- The lead is a bit thin. For an article almost 4,000 word long, I would think you could easily get away with another paragraph—remember it's a summary of the article.
- There seems to be a slight tendency towards praising him, of example, phrase like: "worked tirelessly", "Treloar worked enthusiastically and intensely as commander of the AWRS, and had to be ordered to take holidays", "he was only 26 years of age, but was responsible for the difficult task of establishing the Museum", "led him to spend long hours at work. He typically worked for six days each week, normally staying until late at night"
- This reflects the tone used in all the sources, but I see what you mean and have tweaked the wording a bit. I've also included all the significant criticisms of him as well (eg, that he was a workaholic, obsessive, didn't collect enough artefacts from World War II, didn't get on with many of his colleagues and was basically ineffective in his last six years as head of the AWM).
- You seem to be lacking a few commas, mainly at the start of sentences: phrases like "while in Melbourne", "On [date]" and "in [month]" should be followed by a comma
- I've added a few extra commas, though I generally err on the side of not adding commas as they can break sentences up and read oddly. Please do add more where you think they'd help though.
- The prose gets a bit choppy in the second paragraph of #World War I: three short sentences in a row doesn't make for a great read
- While in Melbourne he resumed a friendship with Clarissa Aldridge..., this is the first time she's been mentioned, which leaves the reader a little confused. You should explain who she is there or mention her earlier in the article
- Unfortunately none of the sources on Treloar provide any background on her or context to work in their pre-war friendship.
- You need to be consistent in linking of ranks: lieutenant is linked, but captain, three lines down, isn't.
- After arriving to London, to me that sounds like terrible grammar. I could be wrong on that, but I think "arriving in London" is more common.
- Treloar considered resigning in July 1922 to take up a position in the Department of Immigration but decided against doing so. It would be nice to know what changed his mind if the facts are available
- There are no details on this unfortunately
- Why are there quotes around 'Australian War Museum Memorial'? If they;re necessary, they should be double quotes (" not ') per the MoS
- Ditto "'service annual'"
- Why is WWII linked for its second mention in #World War II but not the first? If it's going to be linked, it should be linked the first time
Thanks for an interesting read.
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