" Psycho Mantis first appears in Metal Gear Solid," -> i'd expand this into one good short sentence about who Psycho Mantis is. What's the most important thing for the reader to know? (e.g.: he's a terrorist, a boss, a psychic...)
" he is encountered midway through the game" -> this can then be clarified. Since this paragraph focuses on the one appearance, it would help an outside reader to say that up front. e.g.: "He appears halfway through the game in a dialog and battle sequence."
The rest of the first paragraph is really well written.
The second paragraph transitions out of the blue (going from his death to his childhood). The paragraph needs a beginning, to give the reader context. For example, how do we know about his childhood? Is this revealed in later games? Is this revealed by other characters?
"and his father hated him for it. After Mantis discovered it while reading his mind, Mantis burned his village to the ground out of fear." -> "Using his psychic power, Mantis discovers his father resents him for the death of his mother, and Mantis burns his village to the ground out of fear."
"Mantis attempts to perform the same show of his mental powers as in Metal Gear Solid, but finds his efforts thwarted due to the lack of a memory card in the PlayStation 3console the game is played on." -> this can probably be stated more clearly and succinctly.
Do we need to know the details about the organization, or can we just focus on his work with Skull Face?
" Rebenok teams up with the XOF, an organisation headed by the game's antagonist, Skull Face. Skull Face uses Rebenok to control the Sahelanthropus, a Metal Gear robot, which Skull Face plans to use to destroy all people who speak the English language." -> "He is manipulated by the game's main antagonist, Skull Face, who uses Rebenok to control a Metal Gear Robot with the goal of killing all English-speaking people in the world."
"Rebenok is later influenced by the rage of protagonist Venom Snake's ally, Eli, and switches allegiances to Eli, allowing Eli to gain control of Sahelanthropus." -> "Rebenok is later influenced by the rage of protagonist Venom Snake's ally, Eli, who earns Rebenok's allegiance and control over the robot."
Let's pause there. The prose is generally well-written. Most of these recommendations are meant to make the section more clear for the average reader. Sometimes giving them more detail, sometimes leaving out details that distract from the main point. Shooterwalker (talk) 12:09, 19 August 2024 (UTC)[reply]