This is an alt backup of the Wikiquote page. This is episodes from Natalie's tenure on the show. For Sharona's tenure, see User:DReifGalaxyM31/Mr. Monk Quotations - Seasons 1-3. For my favorites, User:DReifGalaxyM31/Mr. Monk Quotations - My favorite episodes
Season 4
Mr. Monk and the Other Detective [4.01]
- [Entering his store, Harold receives a call on his cell phone]
- Harold Gumbal: [answering] Yes?
- Eddie Dial: [on the phone] How's it going, Harold?
- Harold Gumbal: I'm in, I'm doing it.
- Eddie Dial: Friendly reminder: don't be a hero. When we hear a police siren, Peggy's dead.
- Harold Gumbal: Is she okay? Can I talk to her?
- Eddie Dial: Just hurry up!
- Harold Gumbal: No let me just talk to her! [Dial hangs up] Hello? [As Dial and Vic Blanchard wait patiently in their car, Harold unlocks his safe and empties it into the cloth bag he's carrying. When he's done loading the loot, he leaves the store and carries the jewels out to the car]
- Vic Blanchard: Backseat. [Harold hands the jewels to Blanchard, sitting in the backseat with the dog]
- Harold Gumbal: Let her go! You said you would! [Blanchard hands the dog through the window to Harold]
- Vic Blanchard: Pleasure doin' business with you. Thanks for the car, Harold!
- Harold Gumbal: [to Peggy] Come here, Peggy! [The mall security guard notices them]
- Security Guard: Harold! Is everything all right?
- Harold Gumbal: Paul? I'm OK, no problem! [The guard notices that Blanchard and Dial are wearing ski masks]
- Security Guard: Get out of the car! Both of you! [draws his sidearm] Do it! [Dial takes his hands off the steering wheel. After a few moments, Blanchard opens his door]
- Vic Blanchard: Okay! [takes off his mask] Happy Halloween, man. Just relax! [Blanchard draws a revolver and shoots the guard dead with three shots at long range]
- Eddie Dial: What did you do?!
- Vic Blanchard: No choice. They want me.
- Eddie Dial: We could've just driven off! Get in the car! [Blanchard gets back into the car and closes the door]
- Harold Gumbal: [cowering and shielding Peggy] I didn't see any car! I didn't see your face! Neither did Peggy!
- Vic Blanchard: Don't move the car, okay? I'm not done. [He draws his revolver and points it at Harold]
- Harold Gumbal: No! [Blanchard shoots Harold in the chest, and he falls to the ground. Peggy runs off]
- [Monk can't concentrate due to a fresh dog mess]
- Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, are you okay? Everybody's waiting.
- Adrian Monk: It's over there.
- Natalie Teeger: What?
- Adrian Monk: Dog... you know. Dog... doo.
- Natalie Teeger: Did you step in it?
- Adrian Monk: [looks at Natalie like she's crazy] If I stepped in it, I'd be in that ambulance right now, on my way to the emergency room, wouldn't I?! Praying for the sweet release that only death can bring!
- [Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer and Disher visit Marty Eels at his office]
- Marty Eels: Monk, Monk, sit. Sit anywhere.
- Adrian Monk: Oh that's okay, I'm not fine.
- Marty Eels: [to Natalie] Did he just say he's not fine?
- Natalie Teeger: Yeah.
- Marty Eels: So Captain, am I on the case, or what?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Listen, I have to ask you a couple of questions.
- Marty Eels: Yeah.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Where were you yesterday morning at eight o'clock?
- Marty Eels: You mean when the robbery was happening?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah.
- Marty Eels: You guys think I had something to do with it? Why? Because you can't keep up with me on a crime scene?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Where were you, Marty?
- Marty Eels: [pouring them coffee] I was at the hospital. Saint Andrew's. They thought I had a concussion.
- Lt. Randall Disher: What happened?
- Marty Eels: Well, it's kind of embarrassing. I, um, I got hit very hard by a client--hit me very hard. Yeah. Um, I--I was supposed to follow his wife and take pictures. [Marty hands them a file with photos of a terrified man and woman in bed]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Whoa! She was cheating on him.
- Marty Eels: No, no. That's him. That's my client.
- Natalie Teeger: You burst in and took a picture of a man in bed with his own wife?
- Marty Eels: Yes I did. I made a mistake. I'm human! So the bottom line is that I was at the hospital when the jewelry thing was happening. You can call them.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: We will.
- Marty Eels: Why is it so hard for you guys to believe that I'm just this good?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Because, Marty, you were never this good before. In fact you sort of sucked.
- [After Monk sees Marty's certificate]
- Adrian Monk: Bay Area Center continuing education; is that a correspondence school?
- Mary Eels: It's fully accredited...What school did you go to?
- Adrian Monk: Berkeley.
- Marty Eels: That's a good school....I believe they're fully accredited too.
- [Monk believes that Marty has to be cheating]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, sometimes when you're picking up clues, it seems like magic to me. Maybe he's doing something that--that you don't understand.
- Adrian Monk: I think he's cheating! He's a cheater.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: This isn't the fourth grade, Monk.
- Adrian Monk: He's cheating!
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: How?
- Adrian Monk: I don't know.
- [Marty has found Harold Gumbal's body by using a tree branch and a dowsing rod]
- Marty Eels: He was trying to tell us the name of the man who killed him. Look. [points using his tree branch] He's pointing to his watch.
- Adrian Monk: No. He's not, Captain.
- Marty Eels: Are there any perps who'd do a job like this by the name of--Casio?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Casio?
- Marty Eels: Lefty? [thinks] Dial?
- Lt. Randy Disher: Eddie Dial? He just did seven years in Fulsom Prison for kidnapping and bank robbery; he just made parole.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well let's check him out.
Mr. Monk Goes Home Again [4.02]
- Mary Gilstrap: I have to have a Neptune bar every night or else I can't sleep. Funny, isn't it? I guess we all have our little quirks.
- Adrian Monk: [nonchanantly] Yes, I suppose we do...
- [Stottlemeyer and Disher talk to a cashier who saw the shooting]
- Captain Stottlemeyer: [holding the police sketch of the suspect] You've never seen this guy before? In the store, hanging around the parking lot?
- Young Cashier: I don't think so, but I see a lot of faces.
- Captain Stottlemeyer: Sure.
- Lt. Randall Disher: It looks like Kiefer Sutherland.
- Captain Stottlemeyer: [pausing] Yeah, I guess it does. [Disher scoots his chair over]
- Lt. Randall Disher: It wasn't Kiefer Sutherland, was it?
- Young Cashier: No, sir.
- Captain Stottlemeyer: [producing the killer's reciept] Here's a receipt. This is from your cash register. This is him, right?
- Young Cashier: Mm-hmm.
- Captain Stottlemeyer: Eight items at 89 cents.
- Young Cashier: Yes, sir. Eight candy bars.
- Captain Stottlemeyer: Eight candy bars?
- Lt. Randall Disher: It really looks like Kiefer Sutherland. You know, maybe we should - before we distribute it - write across the bottom "Not Kiefer Sutherland," just so that we don't disturb Mr. Sutherland.
- Captain Stottlemeyer: [sarcastically] That's a really good idea.
- Lt. Randall Disher: You think so?
- Captain Stottlemeyer: No.
- [At Ambrose's house]
- Natalie Teeger: [looking at an old photo album, specifically, a photo of Jack, Sr. with a turtle] Is that your father?
- Ambrose Monk: Oh, that's him and Ambrose.
- Natalie Teeger: He named the turtle after you?
- Ambrose Monk: He named me after the turtle.
Mr. Monk Stays in Bed [4.03]
- [Natalie's cell phone rings while she is talking to Julio Alvarez's boss]
- Adrian Monk: Natalie, it's me, Adrian Monk.
- Natalie Teeger: Yes, Mr. Monk, we were just talking about you.
- Adrian Monk: Natalie, you have to come back here.
- Natalie Teeger: I can't right now, Mr. Monk, I'm at the pizzeria talking to the manager.
- Adrian Monk: It's Ebola.
- Natalie Teeger: Excuse me?
- Adrian Monk: I think I have the Ebola virus.
- Natalie Teeger: No, Mr. Monk, you do not have the Ebola virus.
- Adrian Monk: I'm pretty sure I do, I have all the symptoms, I have the headache, the fever, the massive internal bleeding.
- Natalie Teeger: You have massive internal bleeding?
- Adrian Monk: Yes, I believe I do, that is my opinion.
- [Monk is in bed and Natalie brings him some soup.]
- Monk: I see letters!
- Natalie: It's alphabet soup.
- [While Monk's in bed Stottlemeyer visits him.]
- Stottlemeyer: [pointing to machine] What's this?
- Monk: Humidifier.
- Stottlemeyer: [Pointing to other machine] And this?
- Monk: De-humidifier.
- [long pause]
- Stottlemeyer: Well, don't they cancel each other out?
- Monk: Exactly.
Mr. Monk Goes to the Office [4.04]
- [Monk sees two police officers conversing at a crime scene.]
- Monk: [to Natalie] They're talking about football. I have that one! Give me the cards.
- Natalie: No, Mr. Monk, you don't need the cards.
- Monk: Give me the cards.
- [Natalie hands him the cards. Monk rummages through them.]
- Monk: Let's see, weather, politics, movies, swear words...
- Natalie: Swear words?
- Monk: Here's football.
- [He looks at the cards and approaches the officers.]
- Monk: You guys are talking about the football game last night? The San Francisco 49ers lost 27 points to 21 points.
- Police Officer #1: Yes, we know.
- Monk: It was a hell of a fourth quarter, though. It was the turn-overs. They always comeback to haunt you.
- Police Officer #2: Yeah, we were just saying Rattay can't handle the pressure. Why didn't they take him out?
- [Monk thinks for a moment and goes back to the cards. He returns to the police officers.]
- Monk: That's true about quarterback Tim Rattay. But don't forget, he won 4 out of the 5 last home games.
- Police Officer #2: But they were in Houston, Monk.
- [Long pause.]
- Monk: You guys want to hear some swear words?
- [Chilton is not happy with the office cubicle that Monk has been put in]
- Chilton Handy: Mr. Kemp said I could have that cubicle.
- Abby: What's the difference?
- Chilton Handy: It's closer to the emergency exit. Statistically, it's a little safer.
- Abby: Statistically, you're a little nuts! Why don't you double up on your medication and get back to work?
Mr. Monk Gets Drunk [4.05]
- [Monk tries to apologize once more to Sylvia Willis about the events of the previous year]
- Sylvia Willis: We had a mystery weekend [last year], and we hired some actors who were going to act out a little murder.
- Adrian Monk: I'm really, really sorry.
- Sylvia Willis: It was supposed to be for three days, and everybody paid in advance for three days. And Adrian solved the case in, what was it, twelve minutes?
- Adrian Monk: I knew that the general's daughter was lying about meeting Churchill because Churchill wasn't knighted until 1953, which meant that Reginald, the limping chauffeur who supplied her alibi, was also lying, so obviously they were lovers who were planning to kill the Sultan.
- Sylvia Willis: Anyway, we had to refund everybody's money, but we learned our lesson: no more mysteries when Adrian Monk is in town.
- Adrian Monk: Isn't this great? Just two guys in a revolving restaurant...
- [Monk is trying to keep Al Nicoletto occupied, and due to a mixup, he has accidentally been given the full strength wine rather than the non-alcoholic wine]
- Adrian Monk: You look like a moose. I think I'll call you... Mr. Look-Like-A-Moose.
- [observing women standing in a barrel, crushing grapes]
- Wine Expert: Wine stomping. It's a tradition that goes back thousands of years to the Greeks. We're one of the last wineries in California that at least makes some of their wines using this method.
- Adrian Monk: Oh my God! People actually drink that?!
- Natalie Teeger: Yeah, I think so.
- Adrian Monk: Are they insane?! Ask her if they're insane!
- [Monk is horrified, having found out how his favorite Cabernet is made]
- Adrian Monk: I've been drinking that wine for fifteen years! It's foot wine! I can taste it!
- Natalie Teeger: Oh, come on, you cannot taste it!
- Adrian Monk: I... I... I... can. I can taste the feet now. And the toes. And what's between the toes.
- Al Nicoletto: And the fungus. It really is barbaric.
- Natalie Teeger: Okay, I didn't see any fungus! Look, I'm sure they have clean feet, there are probably rules about that stuff! [She trails off as the grape stompers walk past them, stepping barefoot across the muddy ground] Okay, I admit it, that's pretty disgusting.
Mr. Monk and Mrs. Monk [4.06]
- [Monk is in shock when faced with evidence that his wife Trudy faked her own death.]
- Dr. Charles Kroger: Adrian, I'm not going to believe anything until I hear it from you. Is Trudy alive?
- Adrian Monk: I don't know. But if it's true, then nothing is true. If this is true, nothing is true.
- Adrian Monk: I got her back. For an hour and a half. I thought she might be alive. I had hope. Isn't hope the worst?
- Lt. Randall Disher: If we were both drowning, who would you save?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I don't know, both of you.
- Lt. Randall Disher: No. If you could only save one of us?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, I would probably save Monk because he can't swim and I happen to know you're an excellent swimmer.
- Lt. Randall Disher: Suppose I was holding an anchor? . . . Who would you save then?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, why don't you let go of the anchor?
- Lt. Randall Disher: It's a family heirloom.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I'm leaving. [walks out]
Mr. Monk Goes to a Wedding [4.07]
- [Randy's birthday cake has been wrapped in cellophane, which Monk calls a "spittle shield"]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Blow out the candles, Lieutenant. [A few seconds go by. Randy blows out the candles, and the cellophane catches on fire. Randy makes a futile attempt at fanning out the flames as they spread across the desk. Suddenly, Stottlemeyer puts the flames out with a fire extinguisher in firing stance]
- Adrian Monk: [as Randy looks dumbstruck at the burnt remains of his cake] Hey, happy birthday.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I think I might reconsider that investment.
- [after Randy offers to be Natalie's date to the wedding]
- Natalie Teeger: Hey, is Greenberg still dating that parole officer?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, he married her.
- Lt. Randall Disher: Actually I have my own tuxedo.
- Natalie Teeger: Ooh, what about that B&E suspect you brought in last week? He was kinda cute.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Not cute enough to make bail.
- Lt. Randall Disher: I'd be honored if you met my family.
- [Natalie hands Randy an invitation to her brother's wedding]
- Lt. Randall Disher: Who's Jonathan Davenport?
- Natalie Teeger: He's my brother.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: "You're always kissably fresh with Davenport," like the toothpaste.
- Natalie Teeger: Um, actually, not like the toothpaste. We are the toothpaste.
- Adrian Monk: [laughs] What?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Get out of here!
- Lt. Randall Disher: Wait a minute. [produces a tube of Davenport toothpaste] This is you?
- Natalie Teeger: Yeah.
- Adrian Monk: Why didn't you ever tell us?
- Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, if you spent three minutes with them, you'd understand. I kept Mitch's name for a reason. I don't want any part of them or that.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: So I guess you're kind of loaded, huh?
- Natalie Teeger: [scoffs] They are. They wouldn't offer me a nickel and I wouldn't take it if they did. [beat] This doesn't change anything, does it? [Monk and Stottlemeyer exchange looks]
- Adrian Monk: Well, why would it? You're still Natalie. You're still "you", and we're still "us".
- [Stottlemeyer is checking in on Monk]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey, listen, I've got to get going. You're okay, right?
- Adrian Monk: Yeah, I'm fine. You don't have to check in on me.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yes I do. I promised Natalie that I would and I swore on my mother's eyes.
- Adrian Monk: Captain, I'm not a baby. I'll be fine, here.....alone....all day here.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You got something to drink?
- Adrian Monk: It's in the fridge. [Stottlemeyer walks over to the kitchen] There's a chart on the inside of the door. It's color-coded.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I don't need the chart, Monk. [Stottlemeyer pours himself a glass of orange juice] Hey, I wonder how Natalie and Randy are doing. I love weddings. Did you know that I met Karen at a wedding? I love weddings anyway.
- [He sees Monk sulking at the dining room table]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You know who had a great wedding? [Monk raises his head] You did. You and Trudy. Now that was a great day. [Monk forces a smile] Where's that photo album?
- [Stottlemeyer walks across to the living room and finds Monk's wedding album. He opens it to a photo of Monk and Trudy]
- Adrian Monk: She was...wow.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Beautiful.
- Adrian Monk: I remember during the service she was crying so hard, she couldn't even say the words "I do". Have you ever seen anybody cry so much?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That was you, Monk. And no, I have not.
- [Stottlemeyer talks to Randy as he lies on the gurney]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy? Randy, son, did you see who was driving the car? Did you see--can you ID the driver?
- Lt. Randall Disher: [weakly] Silver Volvo.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No-no-no, Randy, we've got the car. It's right here. Did you see who was driving it?
- Lt. Randall Disher: Captain.....
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah?
- Lt. Randall Disher: I got the license plate.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I don't need the license plate, Randy. I'm looking right at it.
- Lt. Randall Disher: Four, "P"aul, C for "Charles"- [The paramedics load Randy into the ambulance]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He's going to be okay, right?
- Paramedic: Yeah. Painkillers.
- Natalie Teeger: How's he doing?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Broken arm, broken leg. Probably a couple of broken ribs. Suitcase took most of the blow; it could've been a lot worse.
- Natalie Teeger: Can he identify the driver?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He can't identify me! I'll try again later. [to Monk] What have you got?
- Adrian Monk: Condensation. The air conditioner was running, and the humidity is what, about 70%? So that car was idling right here for about twenty minutes. [points to a spot on the ground]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: So what, he was waiting for him?
- Adrian Monk: From the tire tracks here, he must have peeled out at full speed.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: So what, he didn't even try to brake, or make the turn. [realizes what Monk is implying] Son-of-a-bitch! [to Natalie] What happened?! He was only here for an hour! Did he piss somebody off?!
- Natalie Teeger: No!
- Adrian Monk: [produces an evidence bag] And we found this, on the floor of the car, near the gas pedal. It's some kind of green mud.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well I'll get that to the lab right away.
- Natalie Teeger: Captain, it's not your case.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Like hell it's not! [Lieutenant Bristo approaches]
- Lt. Bristo: She's right, Captain. It's my backyard. [Bristo shakes Stottlemeyer's hand] Lieutenant Bristo, Monterey County Police.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: How are you doing?
- Lt. Bristo: Don't worry, you'll be copied on every statement. Where are you staying?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Uhhh, right here, I guess. [points to Monk] This is Adrian Monk. He'll be staying here, too.
- Adrian Monk: Uhh, I don't think so.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [firmly] He'll be staying here, too.
- Adrian Monk: I guess I'll be staying here, too.
- Lt. Bristo: Well the car's registered to a Margaret Davenport.
- Natalie Teeger: Margaret Davenport? [looks at the registration] That's Aunt Madge.
- Lt. Bristo: OK, Aunt Madge. She said somebody took the keys out of her coat pocket, which was in her cloakroom. She was busy putting up decorations.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: So it wasn't her, but you know exactly where to look.
- Adrian Monk: And what car was hers? There's no Volvo markings on that key.
- Natalie Teeger: Yeah, that could've been anybody. An employee, uh-
- Lt. Bristo: I don't think so. I just talked to the manager. There was a staff meeting in progress. Nobody was missing. [Everyone gives accusing looks at Natalie]
- Natalie Teeger: What? You're saying somebody in my family did this? No.
- [Monk and Natalie notice Stottlemeyer using a camera to take pictures of the guests]
- Natalie Teeger: Captain, what are you doing?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Taking pictures. I overheard your mother say that the wedding photographer didn't show up, so I volunteered. I borrowed this from one of the, uh, crime tech guys.
- Adrian Monk: Why?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Why? Because Randy says that he thinks he might be able to identify the driver.
- Adrian Monk: Did he get a good look at him?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yep. Male, Caucasian, medium build, red baseball cap, sunglasses. I figured I'd take some pictures, get them developed tonight, and maybe we'll get lucky.
- Natalie Teeger: Wait. You're undercover at my brother's wedding?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah. Look, I'm doing you a favor. It's either this or we take everybody upstairs one at a time. Smile! [Monk and Natalie smile as Stottlemeyer snaps a photo of them]
- [Monk and Stottlemeyer are looking at the body fished from the hotel mud bath]
- Natalie Teeger: Who is he?
- Lieutenant Bristo: So far he's John Doe.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I'm willing to bet that that is the same green mud you found in the car.
- Natalie Teeger: Is he the driver?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, not likely. According to the coroner, this guy died at least thirty-six hours ago.
- Adrian Monk: Captain, he's the wedding photographer! The one that's been missing.
- Lieutenant Bristo: How do you know that?
- Adrian Monk: The discoloration on his fingertips. It's caused by developer fluid. I've seen it in other photographers. [Stottlemeyer chuckles and shares a look with Bristo]
- Lieutenant Bristo: I'm glad he's on our team. Well if you're right and he's local, he probably has a studio in town. I'll get a search warrant.
- [about the "police officer" at a bachelorette party]
- Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, he's not a real cop. He's a stripper.
- Adrian Monk: I don't think so.
- Natalie Teeger: Didn't you see his badge? It says "Officer Feelgood."
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, the guy's got dollar bills sticking out of his belt.
- Adrian Monk: I thought he'd lost his wallet.
- [Monk and Natalie are approached by Stottlemeyer, who has just searched Theresa Scott's room and found a trash bag]
- Natalie Teeger: You broke into her room? Is that legal?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You don't need a search warrant to go into a hotel room if it's after checkout.
- Adrian Monk: Is that true?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I don't know.
- Adrian Monk: What've you got? [Stottlemeyer pulls a cap out of the trash bag] Red baseball cap. [Stottlemeyer grabs a shoe from the trash bag]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Ta-da.
- Adrian Monk: Green mud.
- Natalie Teeger: All right, let's arrest her. [She starts to walk back into the reception room]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No-no-no-no! Natalie! Natalie! We can't get her on this!
- Natalie Teeger: Come on, we have to do something! They're honeymooning in Mexico; they're going to leave any minute-
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: If Randy can ID her as Darlene Coolidge, then we've got her. I'm going to go see if I can wake him up. Keep her here. Don't let her leave!
- [On orders to keep Theresa distracted while Stottlemeyer gets Randy, Monk steps up on the dais and begins clinking a glass]
- Adrian Monk: Jonathan? Theresa? I just wanted to say a few words. [He thinks for a moment] I....well the truth is I don't really know either of you very well. But I do know a couple of things about marriage. My wife Trudy used to say that marriage is 90% love, and 10% forgiveness. She was married to me, so she was sort of an expert in forgiveness. [chuckles from the crowd; Monk forces an embarrassed smile] It's a true story.
- [Stottlemeyer rousts Randy from his bed and carrying him out of his room]
- Adrian Monk: Anyway, I'd to thank all of you for...coming. And I think I speak on--on behalf of Bobby and Peggy.
- Peggy Davenport: No. Uh, no, actually, you're not.
- Adrian Monk: And um, Jonathan and--and--and Theresa, I--I, uh, know you want to take a minute now, and just say thank you to our wonderful waiters and waitresses.
- Natalie Teeger: Yes. Yes, absolutely. [She claps, and the rest of room joins in applause]
- Adrian Monk: You know who's here, though, is, uh, Julie Teeger. [to Julie] Come up here, Julie! Come on up here, please. [to the crowd] Julie, you know, is, uh, of course, Jonathan's niece. [Julie hesitates] Come--come-come on! She has had to memorize a poem for-for school, and she would like to recite it for you now, in honor of Jonathan and Theresa. Julie Teeger[, ladies and gentlemen]. [Monk steps aside from the microphone to let Julie speak] Come on, Julie. Come on, girl.
- Julie Teeger: Father William by Lewis Carroll. "You are old, Father William," the young man said, "And your hair has become very white."
- [Stottlemeyer is carrying Randy through the lobby and accidentally spills some guests' drinks as he passes]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Sorry!
- Julie Teeger: "And yet you incessantly stand on your head. Do you think, at your age, it is right?" [Julie steps away from the mike, to light applause]
- Adrian Monk: "Do you think at your age, this is right". That always gets me.
- [Stottlemeyer and Disher run into a bellman's dolly, knocking all of the suitcases on it over]
- Adrian Monk: When I was just a lad [Theresa gives Julie a small hug]...well, not a lad, but more of a young fella...[Stottlemeyer is now wheeling Randy on the dolly]...Well, adolescent. A teenager, really.
- [Theresa takes Jonathan by the arm and starts to lead him out, when...]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hang on! [Stottlemeyer barges in and Randy falls off the dolly in front of Theresa and Jonathan]
- Lt. Randall Disher: Hey, Darlene. Long time, no see! [Stottlemeyer leans down]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Is this her?
- Lt. Randall Disher: [points a finger at Theresa with his left hand] Darlene Coolidge. We lost track of you back in Seattle in 2001, but by then, her name was Phyllis Gaffney, and she was already on husband #3. He lasted five and a half weeks. You really must've loved him. [Theresa grabs a cake knife]
- Jonathan Davenport: What's he talking about-[Theresa puts the knife to his throat]
- Peggy Davenport: What are you doing?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: OK, OK, don't do anything stupid!
- Theresa Scott: I told you we should've eloped. [to Bobby] Hey, dad! You have a private jet?
- Bobby Davenport: It's a company jet!
- Theresa Scott: I want it fueled and ready to go in twenty minutes! [Natalie twists Theresa's knife hand, causing her to drop the knife, then pushes her to the floor and puts a foot on her chest]
- Natalie Teeger: Stay away from our family! We have enough problems!
Mr. Monk and Little Monk [4.08]
- Sherry Judd: Adrian helped me out of a jam when we were young. Was that 30 years ago?
- Adrian Monk: April 12, 1972.
- Sherry Judd: You remember?
- Adrian Monk: I only remember the date... and what everybody wore, and what everybody said, and what everybody did.
- Mrs. Monk: Adrian!
- Young Adrian Monk: Mom, everybody's watching.
- Mrs. Monk: Here's your lunch. It's cut into ten little squares, just like we like. And here's your first aid kit, and your toiletries bag.
- Young Adrian Monk: Mom...
- Mrs. Monk: You'll thank me later. Don't share your lunch with anyone, and sit near the fire doors. I'll pick you up at 3:07, I'll be wearing an orange blouse.
- Young Adrian Monk: Mom, I know what you look like. I love you, Mom.
- [He opens his arms to hug her.]
- Mrs. Monk: What are you doing?
- Young Adrian: Right, sorry.
- [He puts down one of his bags and gives her a brisk handshake.]
- Natalie Teeger: What was he like? As a kid?
- Sherry Judd: Pretty much the same. Careful, smart... sad.
- Mrs. Ledsky: Here, take this one. I made it with exactly ten chocolate chips, like you like.
- Adrian: [bites the cookie] You're an excellent cook, Mrs. Ledsky.
- Mrs. Ledsky: It's a gift... [hand to her stomach] And a curse.
- [Monk and Sherry Judd look at a painting in an art gallery]
- Sherry Judd: I love this one - look at their faces. I wonder what they're thinking.
- Adrian Monk: She is planning to murder him.
- Sherry Judd: What?
- Adrian Monk: She's about to feed him Amanita mushrooms - you can tell by the little white spots. It's a deadly poison.
- Sherry Judd: Well maybe she doesn't know?
- Adrian Monk: She knows. He's been hitting her. She's swollen. See the bruises on her arms and her left eye? She knows what she's doing. [pause]
- Sherry Judd: It must be hard, to be you - to see everything.
- Adrian Monk: It's awful.
Mr. Monk and the Secret Santa [4.09]
- Julie Teeger: I've never seen the snow. Is it beautiful?
- Adrian Monk: Oh, yes. It's beautiful. You know, no two snowflakes are alike... and it's still beautiful.
- [Terry is putting up a "MERRY CHRISTMAS" banner, which is slightly askew]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Terry, hey! That's not straight. The left side is too low.
- Det. Terry Chasen: It's good enough.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, it's not. Adrian Monk is coming.
- Det. Terry Chasen: Ah, hell. Okay.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You looking forward to our little party?
- Cpl. Alice Westergren: Uh, I guess so. How long do these things usually go?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Last year, Karen and I left at about 2:30 AM and Terry - Detective Chasen - was still standing on a table in his boxer shorts singing "Help Me, Rhonda" in Spanish.
- Det. Terry Chasen: That's a lie! I don't speak Spanish!
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh yes, you do!
- Cpl. Alice Westergren: Oh, and, uh, this came for you. Someone dropped it off at the front desk. [hands Stottlemeyer the bottle of port]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [reads the card attached to the bottle] "Captain Leland Stottlemeyer." [opens it] "Captain Stottlemeyer, thank you for your business. Eastwood Auto Supply." You know what this is, Alice? This is a bribe. Somebody is trying to influence public policy, and I think it might work.
- [Disher is tuning up Stottlemeyer's guitar]
- Lt. Randall Disher: I used to have a rock band back in high school. The Randy Disher Project.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That's a good name. How'd you come up with that?
- Lt. Randall Disher: Well, my name's Randy... Disher, and then... Project.
- Captain Stottlemeyer: [after Monk gives him an air purifier] Do you um, know what eBay is?
- Adrian Monk: eBay? No.
- Captain Stottlemeyer: Good.
- [Stottlemeyer takes Monk to the parking lot where Prager tried to kill him]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Four months ago, it was a Tuesday night, I came out of a bar, around 2:30. [flashback to Stottlemeyer leaving that bar] They took my keys, so I'm walking home. [flashback ends] There was-there was a big black van here, he was waiting behind it. [points to a space occupied by a vintage car] Must've been parked here all night. [In flashback, Prager steps out from behind the van] He steps out. I'm standing right about where you are now. I knew who it was right away: it was Frank Prager, and he wanted me dead. I could see it in his eyes. [Stottlemeyer, in flashback, sees Prager's cold vengeful glare. Suddenly Prager brings up a pistol and fires five shots at Stottlemeyer, but Stottlemeyer ducks behind a car, but by the time he brings up his sidearm, Prager has vanished] He aims a Glock 17 at my head, caps off five rounds. And then he just disappeared. Until last night.
- Adrian Monk: And they just left the bullet holes?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well it's probably good for business at this place. It adds to the mystique.
- [Monk and Stottlemeyer have viewed the scene where Frank Prager fired at Stottlemeyer]
- Adrian Monk: Maybe he's home for Christmas.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, I can't go near the place! The um, the wife filed a complaint against me. Said I had been harassing her.
- Adrian Monk: Why would she say that?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Uhhh, probably because I'd been harassing her. [points his finger at Monk] She's never seen you.
- [Monk is undercover as a store Santa, while Natalie is his elf]
- Natalie Teeger: Shhh! Okay, everybody listen up, okay? We have some new rules here in Santa's workshop. Before anybody can sit on Santa's lap, you have to use these magic wipes, and wipe your hands. Yay! Wiping is fun! [She turns to Santa Monk, who gestures to his face] And no touching Santa's face. And--and try not to breath on Santa. Remember, Santa isn't always jolly. Sometimes, Santa's a little bit sad. OK, who's first?
- [the SFPD has come to arrest Frank Prager, who is hiding in a church]
- Sister Heather: Captain Stottlemeyer, I'm Sister Heather.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hi, sister. You know why I'm here, right?
- Sister Heather: Yes. He's here; he's in the sanctuary. He's very frightened. You think he tried to murder you?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yes, ma'am, I do.
- Sister Heather: You obviously have very strong feelings about this.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You're godda- Yes, I do.
- Sister Heather: I just want to make sure that Brad isn't mistreated.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Brad's not his name.
- Sister Heather: You're right, I don't know his real name, but I know the man. He's been working in our outreach program. He's been feeding the hungry and the homeless every night. When they're too tired to come here, he brings food to them.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Maybe he has a guilty conscience.
- Sister Heather: Well, any conscience at all is a rare thing these days. What do you want, Captain?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I want justice.
- Sister Heather: Well, he's afraid that you want something else. He's afraid you and the other policemen want...
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Revenge.
- Sister Heather: My father once taught me an important lesson: "There is no revenge so complete as forgiveness."
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Your father?
- Sister Heather: He's your father, too.
Mr. Monk Goes to a Fashion Show [4.10]
- [Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer and Disher are looking over the evidence from the Clea Vance murder case at the crime lab]
- Howard "Gordo" Gordon: The dead model, right? I remember this case; I did the work on this one myself. Is there any new evidence?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No. Monk met the killer's mother.
- Lt. Randall Disher: She's a shirt inspector.
- Natalie Teeger: She swears he's innocent.
- Howard "Gordo" Gordon: Oh, I know. That's the toughest part of the job: the mothers crying and pleading. That's one thing I'm not going to miss!
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Where are you going?
- Howard "Gordo" Gordon: Didn't you hear? I'm retiring! There's a party for me on Friday if you want to come.
- Lt. Randall Disher: Cool, absolutely! I'm there!
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You're retiring? How old are you?
- Howard "Gordo" Gordon: 46.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [in disbelief] Did you win the lottery?
- Howard "Gordo" Gordon: No, I've been investing. Real estate. What have you been doing with your savings?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Uhhhhhhhhhhh, eating. You know, I need to talk to my accountant.
- Natalie Teeger: What, you have an accountant?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Nope. I'm going to have to go find an accountant, then I'm going to talk to him.
- Adrian Monk: There's something wrong with this picture. [He's looking at the crime scene photo of Clea Vance's body]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What?
- Adrian Monk: I don't know. But it's something. [Natalie picks up the evidence bag containing Clea Vance's shoes]
- Natalie Teeger: So these are her shoes?
- Howard "Gordo" Gordon: That's right. See this blood, and this hair and these fibers? They all belong to Pablo Ortiz. It's a slam dunk.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah, I don't see any wiggle room here. Do you?
- Howard "Gordo" Gordon: Nah, we got the right man. People lie. People lie all the time, but DNA? Tsk, it never lies.
- Adrian Monk: I'm thinking--I'm thinking maybe he's not the guy.
- Natalie Teeger: You see there's this exit door-
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Look, I heard about the exit door.
- Adrian Monk: Right there!
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Look, Monk, I'd follow you anywhere but I've got four cases on my plate right now. But you have fun. Knock yourself out. Thanks, Gordo.
- Lt. Randall Disher: See you at the party! [Stottlemeyer and Disher depart while Monk and Natalie continue to look at the file]
- Adrian Monk: Here's the statement from that Natasia Zorelle. She was the victim's roommate. Let's start with her. [Randy comes back in to grab the magazine he'd left behind]
- Lt. Randall Disher: Did you just say you were, uh, going to go and talk to Natasia Zorelle?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: The supermodel? [Randy holds up the magazine cover, on which there is a picture of Natasia modeling a swimsuit]
- Adrian Monk: Is that her?
- Lt. Randall Disher: [looks at the cover] Yeah, actually, I've got the rest of the day off. I should probably go with you guys.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You know, I think I'll come along, too. In the interest of, uh...
- Natalie Teeger: Justice?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah. Justice.
- [Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer and Disher visit Hodge's fashion house to talk to him. Hodge advances on Natalie]
- Julian Hodge: If you're going to rob me, you should bring a gun.
- Natalie Teeger: Pardon me?
- Julian Hodge: The blouse. It's a knock-off of one of my designs.
- Natalie Teeger: Oh. It is? I didn't know.
- Julian Hodge: Of course. That's not the real crime. The real crime is how you look in it.
- Natalie Teeger: [after Hodge insults her outfit] He did it!
- Adrian Monk: Natalie, he's not even a suspect!
- Natalie Teeger: Damn!
- [Natalie, wearing a black dress and sunglasses, approaches Randy, who is standing with one foot on a rock, his elbow on his knee, and his head on his fist, gazing off over the water]
- Natalie Teeger: What are you doing?
- Lt. Randall Disher: Standing. This is how I stand. What are you wearing?
- Natalie Teeger: Clothes. This is how I dress.
- Lt. Randall Disher: This is how I stand.
- Natalie Teeger: This is how I dress.
- [Natasia Zorelle has been discovered dead in her apartment. Gordo is dusting a glass for fingerprints when Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer and Disher come in]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: How's it look, Gordo?
- Howard "Gordo" Gordon: Oh, looks like suicide. Smells like suicide. Primary's on suicide. [points to some bottles lying next to the body] She drained two of those bottles and around 30 sleeping pills.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Were those prescription?
- Howard "Gordo" Gordon: Probably not.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [to Randy] We'll check with her doctor. Make a note.
- Lt. Randall Disher: I'll remember. [Randy is wearing an expensive suit, due to Hodge's comment about his attitude getting way over his head]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Where's your notebook?
- Lt. Randall Disher: Oh, I didn't bring it. It's an Italian suit, it was ruining the lining. But don't worry. [points to his head] I'll remember it. [He gazes at a mirror and tries to readjust the lining. Natalie steps in front of him and blocks his view]
- Natalie Teeger: Am I in your way?
- Howard "Gordo" Gordon: [to Monk] She probably got depressed after you spoke to her. All those memories about the murder bubbling up.
- Adrian Monk: You know, I don't think so. One set of fingerprints on the glass.
- Howard "Gordo" Gordon: Well yeah, they're hers.
- Adrian Monk: But look. She's wearing lipstick. There's no lipstick on the glass. Somebody wiped down the glass, and then put it back in her hand. [Stottlemeyer turns]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: O-K! This is now a homicide investigation! Lock this joint down, nobody touches anything! [turning to Randy] Fabio! Go and borrow a notebook, and borrow a pencil, and start talking to neighbors!
- Natalie Teeger: Captain, what do you think it means?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It means that your boss scared somebody.
- [Monk and Natalie are observing Julie before the rehearsal for Hodge's show]
- Natalie Teeger: She looks beautiful, doesn't she? Too beautiful. Sometimes I wish she had a big old fat ugly wart right here. [points to her forehead]
- Adrian Monk: [puts his finger right above the bridge of Natalie's nose] Maybe here.
- [Monk and Natalie cut in line trying to get into Julian Hodge's fashion show while searching for Julie.]
- Adrian Monk: I'm on the list.
- Security guard: Name?
- Adrian Monk: Puff Daddy, plus 1.
- Adrian Monk: [during the show] Natalie! Don't eat the food back there. I just saw two of the models throwing up!
- [Julian Hodge has been arrested for murder and he is being led away in handcuffs]
- Julian Hodge: [to Natalie] So, it's true what they say, huh? You can never judge a person by how they dress.
- Natalie Teeger: Well, let me tell you about what you're going to be wearing. I hope you like orange. It's a little jumpsuit thing, it has a number right here. You can wear it anywhere, really. Indoors, walking around the yard...
Mr. Monk Bumps His Head [4.11]
- [Disher tells Natalie that Monk has been found in Wyoming, where a trucker dropped him off.]
- Natalie: Are they sure it's really him?
- Lt. Disher: The trucker gave him a five dollar bill, the guy kept smoothing it out.
- Natalie: He's alive!
- Monk: [surrounded by bees] Could you do me a favor? Could you kill me, please?
Mr. Monk and the Captain's Marriage [4.12]
- [Stottlemeyer returns home after having punched a cop]
- Karen Stottlemeyer: Leland, what are you doing here? Did something happen? [Leland points an accusing finger at her]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Now that's a good question. What did you do? Did you turn the heat up? It's like a sauna in here.
- Karen Stottlemeyer: It's supposed to be ninety-nine degrees exactly. It's called the Gittomer Method. It's very therapeutic.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I can't breathe.
- [Stottlemeyer wants Monk to follow his wife]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, I really need to know. I'd do it myself, but the chief says I need to go to this anger management class, which really pisses me off! I knocked out a tooth. One tooth. It's not like I killed the guy!
- Adrian Monk: Who was that clown? I've never seen him before.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Ryan Sharkey, Jr. He's a motorcycle cop. He just transferred in from Mendocino.
- Adrian Monk: Wait, you pulled his file?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You bet I did. He's a real hotshot. He has a couple of big arrests. He's been cited for bravery twice. And I hear he's a real lady's man.
- Natalie Teeger: You want some advice? Just forget what he said. Just forget it! Just go home and hug your wife-
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I don't want any more advice! I want to know where Karen is going this afternoon.
- Adrian Monk: What if she sees us? She's going to know that you asked us to follow her! Wouldn't that be worse?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Worse than not knowing? Isn't it killing you, not knowing what happened to Trudy? [Monk rubs his forehead] How many times have I asked you for a favor?
- Adrian Monk: 103. Counting this, 104.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: How many times have I said "please"?
- Adrian Monk: [sighs] Okay.
- [Monk and Natalie are following Karen]
- Natalie Teeger: How long have they been married?
- Adrian Monk: Uh, forever. Karen and Leland? And they've never had one thing in common. I remember... this one weekend he went hunting. She stayed home and organized a rally for stronger gun control.
- Natalie Teeger: It's hard when people get married that young, you know? They grow older. They change.
- Adrian Monk: Yeah. Not me.
- Natalie Teeger: Well I know not you, but people.
- [Natalie is about to touch Devo, Gerald Vengal's pet]
- Natalie Teeger: He's actually kinda cute. [leans forward to pet it]
- Adrian Monk: Natalie, don't touch him! Later on, when we have time, I'll tell you a little story about the Black Plague.
- [The police are conducting a lineup, with Gerald Vengal in the observation room with Randy and someone from the D.A.'s office]
- Lt. Randall Disher: Gerald, this is Mr. Hoffman from the district attorney's office. [He sees that Gerald looks nervous] Just relax. It's one way glass. They won't even know you're here. [to Mr. Hoffman] You ready?
- Mr. Hoffman: Yeah?
- Lt. Randall Disher: [on mike] OK, send them in.
- [The five volunteers - three plainclothes detectives for positions 1, 3, and 5, Ryan Sharkey for position 4, and Michael Karpov for position 2, file in]
- Gerald Vengal: That--that's him! That's the guy! [to little Devo] You--you recognize him, don't you, Devo? He---He-
- Mr. Hoffman: Wait-wait-wait! Don't say anything. We have to do this by the book. We have to wait until they all step forward.
- [Upstairs, Stottlemeyer comes out of his office with a photo of Karen in a file folder and approaches a detective working at his desk]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey, do you know where Ryan Sharkey's at?
- Detective: He's downstairs in the lineup.
- [Downstairs, the first volunteer has just stepped forward]
- Lt. Randall Disher: Number 2, step forward.
- [Michael Karpov steps forward, just as Stottlemeyer opens the door to the lineup gallery with a #6 card. Randy looks momentarily confused, but presses on]
- Lt. Randall Disher: Turn to your left. [Karpov turns to his left] Thank you.
- [Karpov gets back in position while Stottlemeyer takes the #3 card from the detective who is Number 3, and gives him the Number 6 card. That detective moves to the Number 6 position, while Stottlemeyer is now on Sharkey's right]
- Lt. Randall Disher: Number 3, step forward. [Stottlemeyer steps forward, then shows Monk's photo to Sharkey]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Is that you?
- Sgt. Ryan Sharkey, Jr.: [chuckles] You're pathetic.
- Lt. Randall Disher: [on mike] Thank you. Number 4, step forward.
- [Sharkey steps forward. Randy is about to tell Sharkey to turn to one side when Stottlemeyer starts playing with his yoyo]
- Lt. Randall Disher: Number 3, please put the yoyo away. [Stottlemeyer re-wounds the yoyo] Number 4, turn to your right. [Sharkey does so] Thank you.
- [Stottlemeyer suddenly chucks his yoyo at Sharkey's forehead]
- Sgt. Ryan Sharkey, Jr.: What's your problem, buddy?!
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You're my problem! [He shoves Stottlemeyer back and the other detectives immediately move in, trying to break up the fight]
- Lt. Randall Disher: Number 4, please let go of Number 3! Number 5, stop kicking! Number 2, step forward! Ouch. Number 3, please let go of Number 4 and step forward!
- [Monk and Natalie enter the observation room]
- Adrian Monk: How's it going?
- Lt. Randall Disher: [on mike] Please stop. Stop! Stop, please! Please let go of Number 3! [Sharkey is thrown back against Karpov]
- Michael Karpov: Whoa, sergeant! [Stottlemeyer is suddenly thrown in the direction of the one-way mirror and the blinds come down]
- Gerald Vengal: Wait-wait-wait, he's in there! The killer's in there!
- Mr. Hoffman: Oh I'm sure he is, Mr. Vengal, but it doesn't matter. The lineup is busted. [He leaves the observation room while the sounds of struggling can still be heard behind the mirror]
Mr. Monk and the Big Reward [4.13]
- [Randy is questioning security guard Warren Landis about where he was during the robbery]
- Warren Landis: I want to help you guys. I really do, but they've questioned me three times.
- Lt. Randall Disher: It's not just you, Mr. Landis. We're talking to all the guards, cleaning staff, curators; anybody who was at the museum.
- Warren Landis: Yeah, but I haven't been home yet!
- Lt. Randall Disher: And I appreciate that. We just need your official statement, and you're free to go. So for the record, where were you during the robbery?
- Warren Landis: OK, for the tenth time, I was at my station on the main floor. I *never* left. I didn't even go to the bathroom.
- Lt. Randall Disher: And you didn't hear anything unusual?
- Warren Landis: No, sir. I was three floors away.
- Lt. Randall Disher: Okay. [noticing Monk and Natalie] Excuse me for a second. Can I get you something to drink?
- [Randy walks over to the cooler where Monk and Natalie are standing]
- Lt. Randall Disher: Monk, Nat.
- Adrian Monk: What's going on?
- Lt. Randall Disher: What? You haven't heard? Robbery at the MacMillan Museum. It was big, big! The Alexander Diamond.
- Natalie Teeger: Whoa!
- Lt. Randall Disher: I know "whoa"! Robbery division asked us to help out, so we're taking statements from everybody on site.
- Adrian Monk: So you're not arresting him about the drugs?
- Lt. Randall Disher: Uh, no, what drugs?
- Adrian Monk: His fingertips are stained. It looks like red phosphorus. You get that from making crystal meth. He's got to have a lab somewhere.
- Lt. Randall Disher: Okay, I'll check it out. [turns to Landis] Excuse me, Mr. Landis! Can you come here, please? [to Monk and Natalie] If the Captain needs me, I'll be in Interrogation Room B. [Randy leaves with Landis to head to the interrogation room. Monk sees Natalie glowering at him]
- Adrian Monk: What?
- Natalie Teeger: You know "what"! You just solved that case for free!
- Adrian Monk: What was I supposed to do?
- Natalie Teeger: Well if you're selling ice cream, would you hand out free scoops?
- Adrian Monk: Well, what was I supposed to say? "Hey, lieutenant, there's a drug dealer somewhere in this room. I'll tell you who it is for twenty dollars"?
- Natalie Teeger: At least we'd have twenty dollars!
- [Monk and Natalie see Stottlemeyer come out of his office]
- Natalie Teeger: All right, there's the captain. Remember, you deserve a raise. You deserve it!
- Adrian Monk: OK, when you're right, you're right. [They walk over to a filing cabinet that Stottlemeyer is approaching] Okay, Captain?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey, Monk. What are you doing here?
- Adrian Monk: Captain, I have to talk to you about something.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Can it wait?
- Adrian Monk: OK, well we'll come back.
- [Monk starts to walk away, but Natalie grabs him by the arm]
- Adrian Monk: OK we're back. And.....Natalie?
- Natalie Teeger: [sighs] Captain-
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: If this is about money, forget about it, we're broke. The department is strapped. We just, uh, got another hiring freeze.
- Natalie Teeger: Captain, we haven't had a new case in three weeks!
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You know, you're right. There hasn't been a major homicide in a long time. But you've got to keep your hopes up. Stay optimistic.
- Adrian Monk: [laughs] OK, well thank you very much.
- Natalie Teeger: OK, Captain, come on! We just can't sit around waiting for the phone to ring! It's not fair to us! We have no security.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What do you want me to do?
- Natalie Teeger: We want to be put on retainer.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [scoffs] What?
- Natalie Teeger: Yeah, retainer. Like a lawyer. We want a guaranteed income. Look, it doesn't have to be much. We just need a little security.
- Adrian Monk: Just a...[gestures with his finger "little"]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [thinks for a moment] OK, I'll see what I can do, but don't get your hopes up, okay? Anything else?
- Adrian Monk: Ummmmm, it's about Gladys.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Have you been talking to Gladys?
- Adrian Monk: Captain-
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I told you not to talk to Gladys!
- Adrian Monk: She's not cleaning under the tables again!
- [From offscreen, Gladys Menchen chucks a sponge at Monk, which hits the window instead and slides down]
- Adrian Monk: I think you should talk to her.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I will. About her aim.
- [Monk and Natalie see the security guard being led out of the squad room in handcuffs]
- Lt. Randall Disher: Get him downstairs. [Monk and Natalie approach him] You were right. I get this guy in the room. He's denying everything. He's twitching, he's nervous. I threaten to get a search warrant and tear his house apart. I pick up the phone, I start to dial, he collapses! He gave it all up: crystal meth lab in his basement. Narcotics is on their way over. I owe you one. [Randy leaves]
- Adrian Monk: OK! [He sees Natalie glaring at him] What?
- Natalie Teeger: You know "what"!
- Adrian Monk: Oh. What, the thing about the ice cream and the free scoops?
- Natalie Teeger: That's right.
- [Rufus pulls up to the MacMillan Museum in a van and hops out with some tulips]
- Inspector St. Clare: Excuse me! Any suspects, yet?
- Rufus: I wouldn't know. I'm just delivering flowers.
- Inspector St. Clare: No you're not. You're a private detective, like me.
- Rufus: [scoffs] Me, a detective? That's uh, very funny by the way! I can't wait to tell the guys-
- Inspector St. Clare: Look, you're selling it to me! That satellite dish on your roof, the number on the side - "555" - obviously a fake. Now conclusion number 1: you're after the Alexander Diamond. Conclusion number 2: you haven't got a prayer. [Dirk, a motorcycle rider, wheels in and parks his motorcycle in a handicap space]
- Rufus: Excuse me! That's a handicap spot!
- Dirk: It's okay. I'm psychotic. Is this where they stole the rock?
- Inspector St. Clare: You judging me?
- Dirk: Not anymore.
- [The day after Jennie Mandeville confesses to stealing a pen from a bank, she comes back and confesses to accidentally killing her roommate and dumping his body]
- Lt. Randall Disher: Jenny, what did you do with the body?
- Jenny Mandeville: I flushed it down the toilet. [Realizing that this is another false "confession", Randy switches off the tape recorder]
- Lt. Randall Disher: Was Tony a goldfish?
- Jenny Mandeville: A hamster.
- [Stottlemeyer reads the coroner's report to Monk and Natalie]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Here's the coroner's report. Victim's name: Danny Chasen, it's probably an alias. The victim was poisoned. Somebody spiked his all-natural barley tea with ammonia.
- Adrian Monk: Was he part of the heist?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Looks like it. They found some hair samples in that rolltop desk at the museum that matched the body.
- Natalie Teeger: Where's the diamond?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Still missing in action. Wasn't on him or in the cabin.
- Adrian Monk: We know he had a partner, somebody who works at the museum. It's probably still with him.
- Natalie Teeger: Wait-wait-wait. So the reward is still good, right? I mean, no one's claimed it?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yes. As far as I know, the offer is still good.
- Natalie Teeger: Ka-ching!
- Adrian Monk: [sighs] Could you make her stop saying that?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [drops his hands] This is no longer a parlor game. A man is dead. This is a homicide investigation now, which means nobody is to withold any information from anybody.
- Natalie Teeger: [noticing Monk and Stottlemeyer giving her accusatory looks] What? Are you looking at me?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yes I am, Miss Teeger.
- Jenny Mandeville: [to Randy] So am I in trouble?
- Lt. Randall Disher: No, not this time, miss. But listen, if you feeling like finding someone to confess to, you should call a priest. [to an officer] Would you escort Miss Mandeville out? [Monk, Natalie and Stottlemeyer come out of the Captain's office. Disher turns to them]
- Adrian Monk: Who is she?
- Lt. Randall Disher: Looney Tune of the Month. Her name's uh, Jennie Mandeville. She keeps on coming in here and confessing to stuff.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What was it this time?
- Lt. Randall Disher: Well, she comes in, same as yesterday. Says she accidentally killed her roommate. So I take her into the back room and I turn on the tape recorder - Turns out her roommate was a hamster.
- Adrian Monk: [chuckles] She didn't look unstable.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: They never do.
Mr. Monk and the Astronaut [4.14]
- Natalie: [after convincing both Monk and Steve Wagner to speak at Julie's school] I'm gonna be class mom of the year!
- Monk: I'm half-man, half-wuss. I'm a muss.
Mr. Monk Goes to the Dentist [4.15]
Lyrics to "Don't Need a Badge"
- I'm tired of suckin' up.
- I'm tired of suckin' up and workin' for The Man.
- Keepin' people down 'cause the Law book says I can.
- Cuff my brothers and sisters, oh, it's not the way to be.
- But, Honey, those days are gone, 'cause, Baby, I am free.
- Chorus
- Well, I don't need a badge to tell me wrong from right.
- I don't need a badge to tell me day from night.
- I don't need a badge 'cause my eyes can see.
- I don't need a badge 'cause, Baby, I am free.
- It's been a long, long time cleanin' up the streets.
- Now Papa's got a new gig, he's got a brand new beat.
- It's called rock 'n' roll, and, Baby, I hold the key.
- This guitar here's my badge and music set me free.
- Chorus
- Well, I'm feelin' real fed up, so you'd better be aware.
- I'm done with all your rules, 'cause, man, I ain't no square.
- Music is my savior, with that you must agree.
- This guitar here's my badge and music set me free.
- Well I don't need a gun to make me feel strong.
- I don't need a captain shootin' me down all day long.
- I don't need your moustache, don't you condescend to me.
- I don't need nobody 'cause, Baby, I am free.
- This guitar here's my badge.
- Rock 'n' roll set me free.
- This guitar here's my badge.
- You better not try to take it from me.
- Well I don't need a gun to make me feel strong.
- I don't need a captain shootin' me down all day long.
- I don't need your moustache, don't you condescend to me.
- I don't need nobody 'cause, Baby, I am free.
- No, I don't need nobody 'cause, Baby, I am free.
- [first lines; an armored car is making its way down the street]
- Armored Car Driver #1: We're ahead of schedule.
- Armored Car Driver #2: That's a first time.
- Armored Car Driver #1: Wanna grab some coffee?
- Armored Car Driver #2: Nah, I've gotta get home. We're meeting the wedding planner.
- Armored Car Driver #1: I thought that was last night.
- Armored Car Driver #2: No, last night was the caterer.
- Armored Car Driver #1: Should've taken my advice, man: should've just eloped. [They come up behind a semi truck at a red light in a deserted part of the city]
- Armored Car Driver #2: Yeah well it's too late now.
- Armored Car Driver #1: No it's not. You can do it: hop on a plane tonight, go to Vegas, it's over.
- Armored Car Driver #2: Rachel's mom would never speak to me again.
- Armored Car Driver #1: That's the best argument to do it. I've been trying to get my mother-in-law to shut up for five years.
- [The back doors of the semi are opened and men come out, pointing hunting rifles at the drivers]
- Armored Car Driver #1: Whoa, what's this?
- Armored Car Driver #2: What the hell are they doing?
- [An orange garbage truck comes up and crashes into the rear of the armored car and shoves it into the back of the semi truck]
- [Randy is at Dr. Oliver Bloom's office]
- Dr. Oliver Bloom: Well, Mr. Disher. I'm Oliver Bloom. Don't get up, I'm kidding. You're a Lieutenant, right?
- Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah.
- Dr. Oliver Bloom: I can usually guess within one rank. I see a lot of cops who are on the medical plan.
- Lt. Randall Disher: Thanks for seeing me on such short notice.
- Dr. Oliver Bloom: Oh don't worry. We're open late on Tuesdays and Thursdays in case of emergencies. Also to keep Terri here off the streets.
- Terri: He worries about me.
- Dr. Oliver Bloom: I do worry about you. You know what I worry about? I worry about this bad boy here, your number 3 molar.
- [Randy is placed into anasthesia]
- Dr. Oliver Bloom: Terri, I'm gonna need that angle director probe.
- Terri: Angle director probe. [she hands it to Dr. Bloom] Doctor, I think he's coming awake again. [They put the mask back on Randy's mouth to knock him out again. Randy's vision fades to the next moment where he gains consciousness]
- Dr. Oliver Bloom: Come on, come on! [The door barges open. Dr. Bloom and Terri look up]
- Denny Jardeen: Hey!
- Dr. Oliver Bloom: What are you doing here?
- Denny Jardeen: What did you do with Barry Bonds? I know he's here somewhere. I know he's here! [We see the intruder, a bald-headed man, cornering Dr. Bloom]
- Dr. Oliver Bloom: I don't know what you're talking about.
- Denny Jardeen: Barry Bonds!
- Lt. Randall Disher: [mumbling] Barry Bonds...
- Terri: We don't know any Barry Bonds!
- Denny Jardeen: He's worth $13 million! What did you do to him?!
- Dr. Oliver Bloom: We have a patient here. [With the intruder getting agitated, Dr. Bloom and Terri attack the intruder, leading to a fight]
- Lt. Randall Disher: [fading back into unconsciousness] Hey, cut it out! [Terri grabs an object and brings it down several times on the intruder] I'm a police officer. [His vision fades] I'm a police officer.... [cuts to Terri and Dr. Bloom smiling and standing over Randy]
- Terri: Hey, Sleeping Beauty. Welcome back.
- Lt. Randall Disher: [opens his eyes] Are you okay?
- Terri: Am I okay? Of course I am. Why shouldn't I?
- Lt. Randall Disher: There was a man in here!
- Dr. Oliver Bloom: She has men in here all the time.
- Lt. Randall Disher: You were fighting.
- Dr. Oliver Bloom: Oh there was a fight all right, between me and this molar here! It didn't wanna come out! [laughs and jiggles a little container with Randy's tooth] Now there's going to be some sensitivity for a couple days, so I wrote you a prescription that should help with the pain. You need to take one every four hours.
- [Randy tells Stottlemeyer about the murder he "witnessed"]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You saw it?
- Lt. Randall Disher: Sort of. I was sedated.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You were sedated? Randy, one time I was under anesthesia, I thought my mustache was a chipmunk!
- Detective Patterson: I was the Green Lantern once. It was great. I didn't want to wake up.
- [Monk is flossing in Stottlemeyer's office]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What's he doing?
- Natalie Teeger: Flossing. He's determined never to go back to a dentist ever again.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, cut it out, I mean it! This is a floss-free zone.
- Adrian Monk: Since when?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Since right now!
- [Randy has quit the force]
- Natalie Teeger: You miss him. I can tell.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Look, Natalie, it's not like we were going steady, okay? We worked together. He was just another cop.
- Natalie Teeger: That is not true!
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You're right. It's not true. He's not just another cop; he was the single most annoying human being to ever wear a badge! [Monk walks by, gargling noisily] Present company excepted.
Mr. Monk Gets Jury Duty [4.16]
- [Monk is yelling out a window to Natalie who is standing by a dumpster where a dead woman was found]
- Monk: Who is she?
- Natalie: No I.D.
- Monk: No idea?
- Natalie: [a little louder] No I.D.
- Monk: No idea?
- Natalie: [louder] No... [points to eye] I... [makes the shape of a "D"] D!
- Monk: ...No idea?
- Disher: No I.D.!
- Monk: Why don't you check her identification?
- Disher: NO I.D.!!
- Natalie: [screams, exasperated] NO I.D.!!!
- [long pause]
- Monk: ...No idea?
- [Escobar is being extradited and Stottlemeyer is taking emergency precautions at the courthouse]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Pay attention. I'm only gonna say this once. Escobar's hearing is tomorrow at 12:00 Noon. We lock this joint down tonight at midnight, every exit, every window. 1:00 AM: we sweep for bombs, head to toe. 6:00 AM: I want snipers on this roof and on the roof next door. We arrive at 11:30. 11:40: we meet Lapides at the elevator, we hand him off. From there, he's the Bureau's headache.
- Lt. Randall Disher: Sir, could you repeat that, please?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah, what part?
- Lt. Randall Disher: Uhh, everything after "Pay attention, I'm only gonna say this once."
- [Stottlemeyer groans in frustration]
- [Stottlemeyer and Disher, celebrating the arrest of Escobar, crumple up balls of paper and toss them in the trash. FBI Special Agent Lapides comes in and catches one before it lands in the trash can]
- Special Agent Lapides: Is this a bad time?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [taking a bite out of a bagel] It is now. [to Randy] Randy, you remember Special Agent Lapides? [Lapides produces an envelope]
- Special Agent Lapides: Actually I'm not alone. I'm here with the attorney general.
- Lt. Randall Disher: The attorney general... of the United States?
- Special Agent Lapides: [produces an envelope] He's in here. Want to read it?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I don't need to read it. I'm not giving you Escobar. No way, no how.
- Special Agent Lapides: Leland, this case is bigger than San Francisco. Escobar was supplying drugs to seven states.
- Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, but we caught him here!
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You're damn right we did, and we got him on a homicide, right here in the City of San Francisco. This case represents three years of my life.
- Special Agent Lapides: Well you have the thanks of a grateful nation, Captain. But the federal indictment's already been filed. We're gonna try him first.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [to himself] Sons-of-bitches.
- Special Agent Lapides: There's an extradition hearing on Thursday. Here's how it's going to work: you babysit Escobar until then, you bring him to the courthouse, meet us in the lobby, you drop him off, you go home. [starts to leave; but then stops, and holds the envelope to his ear] "What's that, sir?" I'll tell him. [to Stottlemeyer] The attorney general says, "Don't screw it up."
Season 6
Mr. Monk and His Biggest Fan [6.1]
- [Natalie tries to convince Monk to take part in an SFPD bachelor auction.]
- Natalie Teeger: Don't you want to be a team player?
- Adrian Monk: No.
- Natalie Teeger: Don't you want to appear to be a team player?
- Adrian Monk: Sure.
- [Natalie is trying to shoo Marci away]
- Marci Maven: Look, I really have to see Adrian, it's an emergency!
- Natalie Teeger: Yeah, that's what you said last year, Marci, but when he got in the car, you locked the door and tried to drive him to Corpus Cristi!
- Marci Maven: It was Thanksgiving!
- [Marci plays with dolls representing herself and Monk in a diorama that supposedly depicts the carjacking scene in "Mr. Monk and the Three Pies"]
- Marci Maven: "Adrian. Should we call the Captain?" "Not yet, Marci. We need to gather more evidence. Natalie, get the car."
- [Marci picks up a small yellow-haired doll and throws it across the diorama.]
- Marci Maven: [in falsetto] "On my way, Mr. Monk."
- Natalie Teeger: Is that me? [Picks up the doll and looks disgusted] It's a troll doll.
- Marci Maven: Huh.
- Adrian Monk: It's possible—there's a chance—she's not crazy. I mean, she's crazy, but she might not be wrong.
- [Marci trots towards him with her arms spread.]
- Adrian Monk: [shrinking away] Clue hug?
- Natalie Teeger: Take it like a man.
- [Marci's dead dog Otto is being framed for a murder]
- Marci Maven: You're the detective, you figure it out! You do it all the time. The police have a theory and they think it's cut-and-dried, and then you come in and do your thing, like in "Mr. Monk and the Astronaut" or "Mr. Monk Goes Back to School"—oh, you remember that one?
- Adrian Monk: No! Where are you getting these names?
- Natalie: After all, you're only human.
- Monk: There's no need for name-calling.
- [last lines; Marci has sent her box of memorabilia back to Monk. He finds the troll doll]
- Adrian Monk: Oh look, it's you. [Natalie finds the bobbleheads of Monk and Marci]
- Natalie Teeger: [as Marci] "Oh, Adrian, I adore you! You're so amazing!"
- Adrian Monk: All right...
- Natalie Teeger: [as Monk] "Thank you, Marci. I think you have excellent taste. How would you like to be my new assistant? You can follow me around and worship me all day."
- Adrian Monk: All right, it wasn't like that...
- Natalie Teeger: [as Marci] "And let's seal the deal with a great big clue hug! Clue hug! Clue hug! Clue hug!"
- Adrian Monk: Cut it out, will you? I know it's you!
- Natalie Teeger: [following him out of the room] "Oh, don't go away, I just want a little clue hug! Clue hug, clue hug, clue hug!"
Mr. Monk and the Rapper [6.2]
- [Monk and Natalie are adjusting Monk's clocks for Daylight Savings Time]
- Adrian Monk: [checking his watch] Here we go. Ten seconds, nine-
- Natalie Teeger: I just want to say for the record, I hate Daylight Savings Time.
- Adrian Monk: Five. Four. Three. Two. And...now! [Natalie springs the clock forward]
- Natalie Teeger: Yeah, perfect!
- Adrian Monk: Ah, it's two seconds off!
- Natalie Teeger: No, no, no! Mr. Monk, no one's ever going to notice!
- Adrian Monk: Natalie-
- Natalie Teeger: No one except for you!
- Adrian Monk: Let's just try it one more time! Come on, it's only twice a year! [Natalie reluctantly returns to the clock to recalibrate] Here we go, in 55, 54, 53- [Natalie notices some flowers on Monk's armchair]
- Natalie Teeger: What are those?
- Adrian Monk: Those are for you.
- Natalie Teeger: [jabs his shoulder] Get out! Flowers?! Awww! [picks the flowers up and reads the card] "Happy Secretary's Day. Mr. M." [Natalie looks offended]
- Adrian Monk: Yeah. "You're welcome." Yeah, get ready: 42 seconds, 41,
- Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, I'm not your secretary. I'm your assistant!
- Adrian Monk: Yeah, secretary, it's the same thing. 35, 34- [Natalie puts the flowers down]
- Natalie Teeger: No, no! It's not the same thing!
- Adrian Monk: Can we talk about this in 31 seconds? [Natalie walks back over to him, annoyed]
- Natalie Teeger: Do you think a secretary has to do what I do?! It is a huge responsibility!
- Adrian Monk: What? What about the Secretary of State? That's a very important job. Or Secretariat, Triple Crown winner. I'd love to see an assistant do that. Counting down-[Natalie covers his watch]
- Natalie Teeger: You don't respect me at all, do you? I mean, really, really respect me!
- Adrian Monk: Of course I do! 22. I do, Natalie-[the doorbell rings] Ooh, doorbell. Natalie, hurry back. [Natalie still is holding his watch hand and doesn't move] 15. [frees his hand from Natalie's grasp] Never mind! Come in, it's open! [turns back] This is it. Ten seconds, nine. Natalie, eight [Murderuss and two of his associates come in]
- Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk? [taps Monk's shoulder to tell him to turn around. Monk freezes up]
- Adrian Monk: [after a pause] Howdy.
- [Murderuss and two of his associates enter Monk's apartment]
- Murderuss: Are you Monk?
- Adrian Monk: Please, "Adrian." [shakes Murderuss's hand] Excuse us, we were just, uh, we were just setting the clocks forward there. Daylight Savings Time and all. [Snake di Assassin and Silent Killa sit down on the couch]
- Murderuss: Hey, man, I always forget to do that. [Murderuss picks up his pocket watch and opens it to reset it]
- Adrian Monk: That's a beautiful watch.
- Murderuss: Oh you like that, huh? It's white gold, imported. I'll have to get you one next time I see you.
- Snake di Assassin: They're his trademark.
- Adrian Monk: Really? Sorry.
- Murderuss: My name is Murderuss.
- Natalie Teeger: Murderuss? I've heard of you! I've taken your records away from my daughter!
- Adrian Monk: [laughs] You'll have to excuse Natalie. She's a little prudish about that stuff.
- Murderuss: I'm different these days. I'm more of a--a businessman. I have my own record label - Manslaughter Records. [gestures to Snake on the couch] This is Snake di Assassin, my VP.
- Adrian Monk: Mr. Assassin. [shakes Snake's hand]
- Snake di Assassin: Ssssss.....
- Adrian Monk: Hello.
- Murderuss: [gestures to Killa in the doorway] And this is Silent Killa, 'secretary of defense'.
- Adrian Monk: Secretary? Uh-oh! Natalie here thinks "secretary" is a dirty word.
- Murderuss: Have you seen that? [Snake di Assassin hands Monk a newspaper] My lawyer's already calling me. The police are looking for me, they think I did it. [We see the article Monk is looking at: "Rap Star Killed in Car Bomb; Driver Wounded", with a photo of Extra Large under it]
- Natalie Teeger: Wait, well-well why would they think that?
- Snake di Assassin: Motive, yah?
- Adrian Monk: Motive, yeah.
- Murderuss: The deceased, Extra Large, used to record on my label. But the splits weren't exactly cordial.
- Snake di Assassin: I hate that motherf-[stops when he sees Murderuss glaring at him] fella. I hate that fella.
- Adrian Monk: Is this all they have?
- Murderuss: Plus, about a month ago, I made a song talking about how I wanted to kill him, and how I planned to do it.
- Snake di Assassin: "Tick! Tick! Tick, tick, car bomb!" [sighs] The name of the song was "Car Bomb".
- Murderuss: And that's the exact same way he died. You know what I'm saying? [Monk nods] Now look, I'm no angel, and I never pretended to be, but this time, this wasn't me.
- Adrian Monk: No. Of course it wasn't.
- Snake di Assassin: We've been asking around and the streets've been saying, "Some kind of supercop."
- Adrian Monk: Well, I guess if other people say it, it's not really bragging. You feelin' me there, Silent? He's feeling it. [Silent Killa is silent]
- Murderuss: I want to hire you. I want you to do what you do: sniff around. Get me the hell out of this.
- [Monk and Stottlemeyer are looking at the remains of Extra Large's limo]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: We found the limo driver over there. He's in intensive care. You think he's going to survive? [Monk puts his hands on his face] Are you OK?
- Adrian Monk: [grimaces] Car bomb.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Mmm-hmm. You want to sit this one out?
- Adrian Monk: No. No, I'm good.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: We've already got a primary. Get this: the guy had a rival; another rapper. They've been threatening each other for months; even wrote little ditties about each other. Guess what his name is.
- Adrian Monk: Murderuss.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That's right! Is that perfect or what? I can't wait 'til the jury hears that!
- Adrian Monk: Ah, it's only a name. Doesn't mean anything.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: "Murderuss"? Monk, that's not a name; that's a confession. Plus, the guy's got a rap sheet, like, ten miles long-
- Adrian Monk: Alleged rap sheet.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, a very real, grown up rap sheet. I arrested the kid myself three times, back when he was a hood in the hood. What are you, his lawyer?
- Adrian Monk: I don't know. Natalie, am I his lawyer?
- Natalie Teeger: No, you're his investigator! Murderuss paid us a little visit today.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He--he came to your house?
- Natalie Teeger: Yeah, he was afraid he was going to get blamed for this, so he asked Mr. Monk to take the case.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: And you said "yes"?
- Adrian Monk: Well, so I've been told! I wasn't really there.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You did it again. [to Natalie] When he gets nervous, he blacks out sometimes and--and agrees to do stuff.
- Adrian Monk: God, oh my god, what did I do?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Look, maybe you're right! Maybe he's not the guy.
- Adrian Monk: Of course he's the guy! His name is "Murderuss"! [A bomb squad technician hands Randy an evidence baggie] I--I cannot believe this is happening.
- Lt. Randall Disher: Captain, we found the detonator. [Stottlemeyer looks at the watch in the baggie]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What is this, silver?
- Adrian Monk: Nah, that's White Gold, imported.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well how do you know that?
- Adrian Monk: Because my client wears them all the time; they're his trademark. I am so screwed, [turns to Natalie] and where were you?
- Natalie Teeger: Don't look at me! I'm just the secretary. [walks away]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Extra Large was your biggest star, your cash cow. But he left your label and started recording for Fresh Pr-, Fresh Produce?
- Lt. Randall Disher: [checks notepad] Fresh Rhymes.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Fresh Rhymes Records. You couldn't stand that, could you, Russell?
- Murderuss: My name is Murderuss.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well you'll always be Russell to me. Little Russell Kroy from Milburn Avenue, flushing dimebags down the toilet every time I came knocking. Does this one belong to you? [Stottlemeyer picks up an evidence bag on the table containing a white gold pocket watch] It's one of your trademarks, isn't it? It's like those special edition ponies you're wearing, and they make an excellent timing device.
- Murderuss: I ain't no bomb-maker.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well you don't have to be a bombmaker. Any Boy Scout could rig this. All you do is take one wire, you connect it to the hour hand, and the other wire goes to the face. Tick-tick-tick-tick. Nine o'clock, "Kaboom!"
- Murderuss: Guess what?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What?
- Murderuss: I ain't a Boy Scout either. [Stottlemeyer chuckles]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No kidding! [He picks up another evidence bag] How about this, Russell? It's a blasting cap. See that? That's a serial number. That's how we know that this particular blasting cap was stolen from a construction site a half-a-block away from your house.
- Murderuss: I am not going to be putting a bomb under somebody's town car. You know me, I'm up close and personal, face-to-face.
- Lt. Randall Disher: Well, not according to this. [produces a Murderuss soundtrack CD] Track 4. A little song called "Car Bomb."
- [Randy sets the CD case down in front of Murderuss]
- Lt. Randall Disher: "Ch, ch, ch! I put the bomb in your limo, that's what the surprise is / Under your seat, like Oprah giving prizes!" Sound familiar?
- Murderuss: Not the way you do it.
- Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, well, I wasn't really performing it.
- Murderuss: Look, you've got to be one of the whitest white boys I've ever met. And I've met Kevin Costner.
- Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, well, I could've done it right. I brought in a beatbox, but the Captain wouldn't let me.
- Murderuss: [to Stottlemeyer] I owe you one.
- Lt. Randall Disher: You know what, you're not the only musician in the room, Russ....
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy.
- Lt. Randall Disher: ...Actuall, I'm in a band, too! We do a very eclectic repertoire...
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy!
- Lt. Randall Disher: ...we do rap, we also do folk, we do metal.... [Stottlemeyer stands up]
- Murderuss: What is this? Good cop/demented cop?
- Lt. Randall Disher: Yo, just go to my website!
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [sternly] Randy!
- Lt. Randall Disher: [offended] He called me white!
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Sit down!
- Lt. Randall Disher: [to Murderuss] Don't deny it-
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Sit down!
- [Randy reluctantly sits down in the chair Stottlemeyer was sitting in. He glares at Murderuss, disgusted]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You've got a problem, Russell: the limo driver was with the car all night long. He probably saw whoever planted this. He's going to pull through, and when he does, he's going to tell me what he saw.
- Murderuss: Well he didn't see me! I'm being set up, I'm innocent! [Cuts to Monk and Natalie watching in the observation room] All you've gotta do is ask Adrian Monk! Anyone of y'all? I thought he was up here! [Monk looks distressed] He can tell you, he know what's happening: I've been set up and this a bunch of bull, man! I can't believe this.
- [Monk and Natalie are walking out of the squad room after watching Murderuss get interrogated]
- Natalie Teeger: Well, I don't think it was him!
- Adrian Monk: [scoffs] Of course it was him! Didn't you hear the Captain? There's a mountain of evidence! He is so....so, so guilty. He is what we call "very guilty."
- Natalie Teeger: Okay, Mr. Monk, you're just so nervous you're not thinking straight! If he did it, why did he hire you? You're the best detective in California.
- Adrian Monk: It was probably his lawyer's idea! It's just PR to make him look good!
- Natalie Teeger: I don't think so! I think he's frightened. You know, he's like you in a way: I think deep, deep down, he's just this frightened little boy.
- Adrian Monk: And--and this is based on what?
- Natalie Teeger: [shrugs] I have a hunch!
- Adrian Monk: [laughs] Okay!
- Natalie Teeger: You get hunches all the time! People don't laugh at you!
- Adrian Monk: People laugh at me, plenty.
- Natalie Teeger: But not about that! The Captain gets hunches! Why can't I have a hunch?
- Adrian Monk: Oh, I get it! I get it: this is about the secretary thing, and how you don't think I...something about respecting...wait, I wrote it down.
- Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, this is not about me! This is about your client! That man is in trouble and he's depending on you! You shook his hand!
- Adrian Monk: [looks at his hand, suddenly shocked] Wipe!
- [Monk is on a bench outside the hospital]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You mind if I join you? [Monk moves over so Stottlemeyer can sit down next to him] Randy's upstairs talking to our medical examiner in rap.
- Adrian Monk: Why?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I learned a long time ago not to ask Randy why he does anything. Where's Natalie?
- Adrian Monk: Oh, she went home. She's mad at me. Something about how I never listen and-
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I understand you bought her a big bunch of flowers for Secretary's Day. Big mistake.
- Adrian Monk: Well, they were on sale!
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, that woman would crawl through hell for you! She is not your secretary!
- Adrian Monk: I know, I know. They were on sale.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: So are you going to come up? We have a fresh crime scene upstairs.
- Adrian Monk: [sighs] Yeah, I'll-I'll be right up.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You're not going to like it. We found a footprint on the windowsill.
- Adrian Monk: Let me guess: special edition shoe.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: The only kind your client, Murderuss, ever wears. [Stottlemeyer pulls out an evidence bag containing a chain] The murder weapon.
- Adrian Monk: Yeah, let me guess: white gold!
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: We found it out back in the hazardous waste bin. [Monk drops the bag, disgusted]
- Adrian Monk: Of course! He knew I would never look out there!
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [picks up the bag] Grand jury's meeting tomorrow. They're going to indict him on Thursday and arrest him on Friday.
- Adrian Monk: Yeah, he is going to blame me. I've got to get out of that contract.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well then get out of that contract!
- Adrian Monk: Will you--will you-will you-
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yes, Monk. I will go with you.
- [Monk is trying to address the partygoers at a tribute concert]
- Adrian Monk: Let me give you the 4-1-1—that's the information.
- [Murderuss raps the summation for Monk]
- Here's what happened, y'all
- I got this, Monk
- Yeah, you can't believe what you hear all the time
- Sometimes seeing is believing
- Like the man said, I was set up
- I'm just a pawn in this game
- Let me break it down for y'all
- No, for real, here's what happened
- Have you ever been accused? (Man you got set up)
- And it really wasn't you? (Man you got set up)
- Tryin’ to plant somethin’ on me? (Man you got set up)
- And then you say I killed the homey?
- This fool [Denny Hodges] was greedy
- Had to have the whole thing
- Let me run it down to you
- It's a cold game
- He wanted more than half of the pie
- That's why his partner had to die
- You heard me [points to Woody Mitchum]. You was the target all along
- Am I right or am I wrong?
- Adrian Monk: [grabs the mike for a moment] You're making a lot of excellent points. He is.
- [In flashback, Hodges plants the bomb under the left rear tire well of the limo]
- Every week they had a breakfast date
- Captain Crunch, French toast, or a stack of pancakes
- But this week they wasn't servin’ nothin'
- But murder on the plate
- He wanted to pin it on me like a purple heart
- But his perfect plan just fell apart
- ‘Cause like Aaron Burr who was tried for treason
- You made a mistake, Dog, forgot about the season
- There was a fatal flaw to the perfect crime
- You see Sunday was daylight savings time
- Twice a year we reset the clock ahead one hour [Murderuss sets his watch forward an hour at Monk's apartment],
- But I guess you forgot
- [The limo drops Mitchum off at a hotel]
- Your partner showed up to break some bread
- What he found was an empty table instead
- You didn't order room service
- Because you thought the homey whitey was dead
- [Extra Large finishes talking to a female reporter and climbs into his limo]
- Extra Large ran out of luck
- When the limo came by and picked him up
- The pocket watch up under the car
- The trigger went "boom" and there went Extra Large
- [The limo explodes in a fireball]
- Have you ever been accused? (Man you got set up)
- And it really wasn't you? (Man you got set up)
- Tryin' to plant somethin' on me? (Man you got set up)
- And then you say I killed the homey?
- I went to the source and found a great detective
- I told Adrian Monk to follow my direction
- He solved the case and he rocked it well
- Next stop for you, Denny Hodges, is a Death Row jail cell
Mr. Monk and the Naked Man [6.3]
- Peter Magneri: He threatened me once—at a zoning meeting. Hit me with a microphone.
- Adrian Monk: He’s a nudist! That's what they do, they... they hit people with microphones.
- [Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer and Disher have told Arlene Boras about why she killed her roommate]
- Arlene Boras: You don't have any...
- Natalie Teeger: ...Proof? [shows Peter Magneri's X-ray] Mr. Monk found this. It was behind the toilet.
- Adrian Monk: [grimaces] Behind your toilet!
- [Monk on the subject of nudity]
- Adrian Monk: Let’s ship them all back!
- Leland Stottlemeyer: Ship them back where, Monk?
Mr. Monk and the Bad Girlfriend [6.4]
- [Monk and Natalie leave Linda's office after interviewing her]
- Natalie Teeger: Are you OK? What is it?
- Adrian Monk: I'm afraid to say it out loud. She knows how to use a shotgun. She had a motive. You saw those boxes! He was taking a lot of their clients with them.
- Natalie Teeger: Wait, are you talking about Linda?
- [They head towards the elevators]
- Adrian Monk: Shhh! Natalie, she's the same height as the killer. She had a key to the house.
- Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, that's the captain's girlfriend! I--I don't believe it. It all could just be a coincidence, could it? [As they step into the elevator, Monk produces a tube of lipstick]
- Adrian Monk: I found it in her purse.
- Natalie Teeger: [reads the label] Coral Peach by Runway.
- [The elevator doors close on them]
- [Monk and Natalie tell Randy about their suspicions about Linda Fusco]
- Natalie Teeger: Randy, what we're about to tell you is absolutely confidential; you cannot repeat it to anyone.
- Lt. Randall Disher: Are you in love with me?
- Natalie Teeger: What?! No!
- Adrian Monk: I think Linda Fusco killed her partner.
- Lt. Randall Disher: [laughs] What? I don't believe that. There's no way, Monk.
- Natalie Teeger: Am I in love with you?!
- Lt. Randall Disher: No, it's Linda! We know her!
- Adrian Monk: Do we?
- Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah! Besides....it's impossible. I mean, she was talking to the Captain that night on the webcam from her house. I mean, Monk, you were there.
- Adrian Monk: I know, but--
- Lt. Randall Disher: OK, what was it, about seven o'clock? [walks over to a big bulletin board map of the San Francisco Bay Area] And she was definitely here in Richmond at seven o'clock. And the guy was killed when?
- Adrian Monk: 7:20. There were two witnesses.
- Lt. Randall Disher: OK, he was killed at 7:20 [points to Novato] here in Novato. That's some thirty miles.
- Adrian Monk: 32.2.
- Lt. Randall Disher: Okay, 32.2 miles in 20 minutes? There's no way. That's a hundred miles an hour through traffic. It's just not possible.
- Natalie Teeger: Maybe she had a jetpack, like in those James Bond movies.
- Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, well there's no such thing as a working jetpack. Don't ask me how I know.
- Adrian Monk: Randy, do you have any ideas? I mean, anything at all? One of your crazy theories?
- Lt. Randall Disher: "My crazy theories". Like what?
- Natalie Teeger: Like me being in love with you?!
- Lt. Randall Disher: Oh, do you think that's crazier than Linda Fusco flying across San Francisco in a jetpack?
- Natalie Teeger: Too close to call.
- Lt. Randall Disher: Oh, well here they come. You can ask them for yourself. [He walks over to the window and looks down] Nope. False alarm. I heard a motorcycle; I thought it was them.
- Adrian Monk: I thought the Captain sold his motorcycle.
- Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, he did. Linda has one, too.
- [Monk is waiting outside Linda's house when Natalie rides up on a motorcycle]
- Natalie Teeger: Pretty sweet, huh?
- Adrian Monk: Where did you get that?
- Natalie Teeger: From a biker friend of mine. I did him a favor once.
- Adrian Monk: What kind of favor?
- Natalie Teeger: Do you really want to know?
- Adrian Monk: No. All right. [studies the seat to see how to mount the bike] OK, so I just, how exactly-
- Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, why don't you just wait here? I can do this!
- Adrian Monk: No! No-no. When I talk to Leland, I have to tell him that I checked it out myself.
- Natalie Teeger: Okay! Then let's do it! [hands Monk a silver helmet]
- Adrian Monk: Yeah, I don't think so.
- Natalie Teeger: It's brand new, straight from the factory. Nobody's even worn it.
- Adrian Monk: Yeah, ehh-
- Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, if you don't put it on, bugs are going to fly into your mouth.
- Adrian Monk: Can't you just avoid them?
- Natalie Teeger: I can't avoid the bugs!
- Adrian Monk: Sure you can! You see a bug, zig-zag! You see another bug, zig-zag!
- Natalie Teeger: If you don't put it on, we're not going. [Monk puts it on. Natalie laughs]
- Adrian Monk: What's so funny?
- Natalie Teeger: Nothing! Sorry. I was just thinking about something else. You look great! [She scoots forward to give Monk more seat space] Here you go! Hop on! [Natalie puts on her own helmet]
- Adrian Monk: Will you stop--stop laughing? Would you, please? [Natalie adjusts the strap on her helmet]
- Natalie Teeger: All right! Born to be mild!
- Adrian Monk: Ah! That's funny. Instead of "wild", then, you said "mild." That's hilarious. [Monk looks at his stopwatch] OK, we're here at Linda's house. She had twenty minutes to get there, so we're really going to have to haul bottom.
- Natalie Teeger: "Haul bottom"?
- Adrian Monk: It's biker talk! It just means "don't stop for anything". Right?
- Natalie Teeger: Got it. [Natalie starts the engine up] All right, hold on!
- Adrian Monk: To what?
- Natalie Teeger: To me! [Monk grimaces as he tries to find a spot to grab Natalie's jacket without feeling uncomfortable]
- Adrian Monk: Um, I'm--I'm okay.
- Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, you're going to fall off the seat!
- Adrian Monk: Look, I know what I'm doing! OK? I'll just lean forward; it's called weight displacement. [looks at the stopwatch] We're wasting valuable time. Let's do it. [Natalie lowers her visor] Ready? And....GO! [Natalie peels forward. Monk immediately falls backwards and lands on the curb]
- Natalie Teeger: Are you all right?
- Adrian Monk: Wipes! Wipes!
- [Cuts to Monk and Natalie riding down the street, with Monk placing wipes on Natalie's shoulders to use as handholds]
- [Monk and Natalie have ridden by motorcycle from Linda's house to the crime scene. As they park at the police tape, Monk immediately staggers off the bike]
- Natalie Teeger: Well, could she have done it?
- Adrian Monk: Done who? Done what?
- Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, check the stopwatch! [Natalie stops the stopwatch] An hour and five minutes. Not even close!
- Adrian Monk: So, just remind me-
- Natalie Teeger: The captain's girlfriend! She couldn't have done it! We just proved it!
- Adrian Monk: Right! Linda. Thank god! [He and Natalie laugh] She couldn't have done it!
- Natalie Teeger: Yeah....
- Adrian Monk: Oh, what a relief, she didn't do it! Natalie, I have never been happier to be wrong. [Natalie pats him on the shoulder. Monk's glance falls on a small flower in the bush] Oh no! [Monk picks up a hibiscus flower. Natalie's face turns to one of shock]
- Adrian Monk: We have some news; some good news.
- Natalie Teeger: Yeah, we have good news. We think we know who killed Sean Corcoran.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That's great! That was fast!
- Adrian Monk: Yeah. This individual has a motive....
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Good! Motive is good.
- Adrian Monk: ....owns a shotgun, and had access to the house.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well let's pick him up. What's his name? [Monk and Natalie look at each other, and try to think for a few seconds, trying to get enough bravery to answer] Monk, the suspect has a name, right? [Monk hesitates a bit longer] And what is that name?
- Adrian Monk: [finishes thinking] Linda. Linda Fusco.
- [Stottlemeyer breaks out laughing]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That's hilarious. You got me. That's good. That's rich! [He starts to get into his car] See you guys mañana.
- Natalie Teeger: Captain, he's not joking! He never jokes.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That's true.
- Adrian Monk: She's the guy.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No. No-no, wait, she was at home! We talked to here! She was 30 miles away from the thing!
- Adrian Monk: Captain, she made a point of mentioning the time. It was seven o'clock, remember? We were her alibi.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [closes his car door] How?
- Adrian Monk: I don't know how, but she's the guy!
- Natalie Teeger: Captain, we found this at the scene. [Natalie hands Stottlemeyer the flower Monk found in the bushes outside the house]
- Adrian Monk: Hibiscus. Linda was putting a flower just like it in her hair on the night Sean Corcoran was killed.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: A lot of people....I can't believe we're having this discussion.
- Adrian Monk: I can't either!
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well what about the lunatic? The, uh, the client that wrote those letters? Have you even looked at her?
- Adrian Monk: Captain, this isn't easy for me!
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh really! What is? [beat] You're talking about the woman I love, Monk.
- Adrian Monk: I know! I know.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I think I know what's going on here. You look at me and you can't stand it. I have what you want: a badge, a woman, a life.
- Adrian Monk: That's true.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: But nothing! This is not my problem, Monk. This is your problem. You deal with it!
- Adrian Monk: [pushes the button for the interrogation room speakers] Excuse me, could you fix the blinds, please?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I don't feel like it.
- Adrian Monk: I wasn't asking you, ma'am, but I'm going to have to ask you to fix the blinds.
- Helen Hubbert: Who is that?
- Adrian Monk: I'm with the FBI [pause], in Washington D.C., [pause] watching you on my computer [pause] screen.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Don't listen to him, ma'am, he is not in Washington...
- Adrian Monk: Ma'am, I'm gonna have to ask you to fix the blinds, and while you're at it pick up the Styrofoam pieces scattered about the room.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He is not a federal agent.
- Adrian Monk: Yes, he, I am.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, he's not! He's an ex-cop who hates himself, and hates his life, and isn't happy unless everybody else is as miserable as he is!
- Adrian Monk: Miss Hubbert, I'm sure you wouldn't want us to inform the school board about your little drinking problem.
- Helen Hubbert: How, how?
- Adrian Monk: How?! We're the FBI, that's how!
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh, for God's sakes, he can see the flask in your pocket!
- Adrian Monk: And I'm sure you wouldn't want the IRS to know about your second job. You have been moonlighting as a waitress, haven't you? Have you been reporting all of your tips?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He's looking inside your purse! He can see your wad of singles! [looks towards Monk and Natalie] Hey, hey! Mr. FBI-Man! Here. [takes a shoe and smudges it against the glass pane of the interrogation room] What do you think of that?!
- Adrian Monk: Leland, you can put this woman away for the rest of her life! Linda Fusco will still be guilty!
- [Monk and Natalie walk away]
- [Linda is showing Natalie around an apartment]
- Linda Fusco: Where's Adrian? I thought you two were always together.
- Natalie Teeger: Oh, he does something every Wednesday.
- Linda Fusco: It's Thursday.
- Natalie Teeger: And Thursday. You know Mr. Monk, he can't just hang around. He has to go back and check his work.
Mr. Monk and the Birds and the Bees [6.5]
- [first lines]
- [Dewey Jordan breaks into a house, and Rob Sherman is waiting for him]
- Rob Sherman: You're late.
- Dewey Jordan: What are you doing here? You said the place was gonna be empty.
- Rob Sherman: Yeah. Change of plans. I decided to help out.
- Dewey Jordan: Well, you're the boss.
- Rob Sherman: That's right. I'm the boss. Oh, hey. Did you wipe your feet?
- Dewey Jordan: Yes, sir. I wiped them outside, like you said.
- Rob Sherman: Good. Then let's do it. You can start with these over here. [Dewey walks over to a glass case containing sports memorabilia and Sherman unlocks it]
- Dewey Jordan: So, um, how does this work? I mean, when do you call the insurance company?
- Rob Sherman: I won't be calling the insurance company. [He conjures a gun in his left hand]
- Dewey Jordan: What's that?
- Rob Sherman: This? Uh, this is your gun, Dewey.
- Dewey Jordan: My gun? [Sherman promptly conjures a nickel-plated pistol in his right hand]
- Rob Sherman: This one's mine. This is the one that I'm gonna kill the intruder with.
- Dewey Jordan: Intruder? [Sherman shoots and kills Dewey with the gun in his right hand, leaving a small puff of gunpowder residue in the air]
- Pam Sherman: [from upstairs] Rob? What was that? Are you all right?
- Rob Sherman: I'm fine, Pam. Everything's fine. You'd better come down.
- [His wife hurries downstairs and turns on the lights]
- Pam Sherman: That sounded like a gun. [She sees Dewey Jordan's body]
- Rob Sherman: It was.
- Pam Sherman: Oh my god. Rob, is he dead? [pause] What did you do?
- Rob Sherman: He had a gun. This one! [He accidentally holds up the pistol he just used to kill Dewey. He quickly then realizes his mistake] No, wait. This one.
- [He holds up the black revolver, and then shoots her in the chest. Sherman then methodically goes around the room to stage the scene. He first rolls Dewey's body over to make it look like he fell facing up. Then he places the gun he used on Pam into Dewey's right hand, to frame him for that murder. After firmly positioning the gun in Dewey's hand, Sherman twists the gun and fires a shot that leaves a bullet hole in the doorframe - both to make sure there is gunpowder residue on Dewey's hand and also to make it look like he fired a shot at Sherman. Satisfied with how the crime scene now looks, Sherman sits down in a chair, takes out a phone, and calls 911, pretending to sound like he's panicking]
- Rob Sherman: Oh my God. You've got to help me. It's my wife. She's been shot.
- [Monk notices that Dewey Jordan wiped his feet before entering the house]
- Adrian Monk: Why would he wipe his feet?
- Lt. Randall Disher: You wiped your feet.
- Adrian Monk: But I'm me, that doesn't count.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: OK, let's go over it again, from the top.
- Lt. Randall Disher: [reading from his notebook] OK. Husband, Robert Sherman, owns expensive rug. Intruder's shoes indicate he wiped his feet.
- Natalie Teeger: Why would a kid breaking and entering bother to wipe his feet?
- Adrian Monk: Because he wasn't breaking and entering! They knew each other. It was a setup.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Maybe...
- Lovely Rita: [from the corner, handcuffed to a chair] Maybe the kid, the intruder, was planning on stealing the rug, and didn't want to scuff it up.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [wryly] Thank you.
- Lovely Rita: Anytime.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Maybe he planned on stealing the rug.
- Lt. Randall Disher: Okay, what about this? The phone in the bedroom was unplugged.
- Lovely Rita: That doesn't mean anything. I unplug my phone all the time, if I want to sleep, when I'm going to bed...
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: She's right. Doesn't mean anything.
- Lt. Randall Disher: Well, how about this? The wife's slippers.
- Natalie Teeger: Right, the husband said she went downstairs because she was cold. If she was cold, why wouldn't she put on her slippers? [pause. Everyone turns to look at Rita]
- The Lovely Rita: Well, she wasn't really cold. She just said she was cold. She was really going downstairs to... get a bite of that chocolate cake in the refrigerator.
- Adrian Monk: What chocolate cake?! Who are you?
- Lt. Randall Disher: This is Rita DePasque, aka "The Lovely Rita." She's a material witness on a knife fight downtown.
- The Lovely Rita: Alleged knife fight. Alleged. I love that word.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: The Lovely Rita has a point, amazingly enough. Any hotshot lawyer could explain away that entire notebook.
- Adrian Monk: That's true but if you look at the picture, the big picture, I mean, it's plain as day! He's the guy.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Was the wife insured?
- Adrian Monk: No.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: So where's your motive?
- The Lovely Rita: Wake up! [scoots her chair over] You've got two people, living under the same roof. One of them wants the other one dead. Believe me, I know.
- Adrian Monk: He didn't love her! I was there when the M.E. wheeled out the wife. All he cared about was the rug.
- Lovely Rita: You're cute.
- Adrian Monk: No, I'm not.
- Lovely Rita: You ever unbutton that top button?
- Adrian Monk: Uhh...
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: There is one problem with your theory: they never met. We checked their records - their bank records, their emails, their phone records. We talked to their friends - There is no connection between Rob Sherman and Dewey Jordan.
- Adrian Monk: Look, I know I've seen them someplace.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Where?
- Adrian Monk: I don't know. Just somewhere. It's driving me crazy.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, they lived in different worlds. [hands them one file] Here's Dewey Jordan's rapsheet - 19 arrests, 12 convictions: bad checks, drugs; a couple of burglaries. [hands over another file] And in sharp contrast, here is Mr. Sherman's jacket - one arrest - one in his entire life: driving with a suspended license.
- [Monk and Natalie are trying to return ashes to several cremation urns they have accidentally spilled]
- Natalie Teeger: Wait! What are you doing? [Monk is pouring some ashes from one urn into another]
- Adrian Monk: It's not even.
- Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, those are people! Maybe they weren't the same size!
- Adrian Monk: Well they are now!
- [They finish cleaning up just as Sherman and the funeral director come up]
- [Monk examines Dewey Jordan's apartment]
- Adrian Monk: How long did he live here?
- Mr. Morissey: Oh, nine months. I should've known he was going to be trouble - always late with the rent, always coming and going. So is it true what they say? He broke in and killed the guy's wife?
- [While they are investigating Dewey Jordan's apartment, Natalie frets about Julie's new relationship]
- Natalie Teeger: Oh, God, Mitch, I miss you... [she stands up] Mr. Monk, would you talk to her?
- Adrian Monk: What? [Monk is standing on a chair and unscrewing the cover for an air vent]
- Natalie Teeger: Please! I don't know who else to ask! There's no man in her life!
- Adrian Monk: [looks around desperately] What about him? [points at Mr. Morissey]
- Natalie Teeger: Mr. Morrisey?
- Adrian Monk: Kids respect landlords. I think it's the keys.
- [He finishes removing the vent screws with a screwdriver and moves the cover aside to find a handgun and ammunition stashed inside. He picks up the gun by fitting the screwdriver blade through the grip and examines it]
- Mr. Morissey: What is it?
- Adrian Monk: It's a .22 caliber. Why didn't he bring this gun?
- Mr. Morissey: So he had another gun.
- Adrian Monk: But there's-there's no ammo for a .38 caliber. It's all for this gun. [He puts the gun back] I don't think he had another gun. [Natalie stands on another chair to be at the same height as Monk]
- Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, this is important to me! Julie loves you, you know that. You're like family!
- Adrian Monk: Natalie, I can't, I-I just can't! Why don't you ask the Captain, or anybody else? When it comes to this particular issue, I am probably the least qualified person in North America...
- Natalie Teeger: That's what makes you perfect! You waited for Trudy, you were faithful, you respected her! You're a wonderful role model.
- Adrian Monk: Huh?
- Natalie Teeger: ...In this particular case.
- [Monk is giving Julie "the talk"]
- Adrian Monk: [loudly] We certainly have had a very productive talk. [edges toward the door] This is the end of the talk...
- Julie Teeger: Mr. Monk, wait. How do you know if what you're feeling is real?
- Adrian Monk: [whispering] What are you doing?
- Julie Teeger: No, I'm serious. When you met Trudy, how did you know?
- Adrian Monk: Julie, listen, this is not real. It's just for your mother. I'm not really here, you understand? [Julie starts to cry] [Monk continues, still whispering] No, no, please, don't cry. I can't leave if you're crying. [louder] What you're feeling is perfectly normal! [whispering] What you're feeling is probably normal.
- Julie Teeger: It's just... how did you know?
- Adrian Monk: All right... [gives her his handkerchief and sits down] I used to wonder the same thing. And when I met Trudy, I said to myself, "now I see. Now I see why I'm here."
- Julie Teeger: Was it wonderful?
- Adrian Monk: Yes. I loved falling in love with her. Every morning of every day, I fell in love with her again. I think what your mother has been trying to tell you is, don't worry. All your dreams will come true. But they don't have to come true this weekend, right? You can take your time. You can wait...
- Julie Teeger: Until I find Trudy?
- Adrian Monk: Just wait for Trudy. Believe in Trudy. Trudy will come.
- [Stottlemeyer and Disher are viewing a blurry surveillance tape of the courthouse lobby]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy, they're two blurs. Even for blurs, they're blurry! Can you make it bigger?
- Lt. Randall Disher: Well it's already enhanced.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, that could be anybody! That could be Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers.
- Lt. Randall Disher: But they're both dead.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Ginger Rogers is not dead.
- Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, I'm pretty sure she is dead. I'm sorry. Even if she wasn't. What would Fred and Ginger be doing in the courthouse?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I'm not saying it is Fred and Ginger, I'm just saying that y-you can't tell who or what they are!
- [Disher presses play on the tape]
- Lt. Randall Disher: Look. [uses a marker to circle two blurs passing each other on camera] Right here. See? He comes in. They shake hands. That is definitely Rob Sherman.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [notices the marker in Randy's hand] Is that a permanent marker?
- Lt. Randall Disher: No, it will rub off. [Stottlemeyer attempts to rub the marker off the monitor, with no success]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I don't think so. [Randy also makes a bad attempt at getting the marker to come off]
- Lt. Randall Disher: Have you seen the new screens? Pretty beautiful. Flat.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You're worse than Monk. [walks out of the room]
- [Stottlemeyer leads a handcuffed Rob Sherman to a patrol car. Randy has a backup of the disk with the photo of Julie and Tim Sussman that prominently features Sherman and Dewey Jordan in the background]
- Lt. Randall Disher: Backup disk. Oh, and I printed off a copy.
- Captain Stottlemeyer: [takes the photo and tells Sherman] Ah. You and your friend take a very nice, very incriminating picture.
- Lt. Randall Disher: Oh, I put it on a mug, too. [shows the mug]
- Captain Stottlemeyer: What for?
- Lt. Randall Disher: Well, I figure the jury might appreciate it. They're human. They get thirsty. "Exhibit A. Thank you very much." [takes an imaginary sip from the mug] "Mmmm, guilty."
Mr. Monk and the Buried Treasure [6.6]
- [One of Troy Kroger's teenaged friends is admiring Natalie]
- Ridley: How old do you think she is?
- Troy: 34, maybe?
- Ridley: That's twice my age.
- Pez: So, when you're 60, she'll be 120!
- [Monk and Troy are playing 20 Questions while trapped in Troy's car after Steven Connolly buries the car under a pile of gravel]
- Monk: Mineral. It's a mineral.
- Troy: [Pause] Is it gravel?
- Monk: [Crying] Yes, it's gravel. Gravel! It's gravel! It's everywhere!
- [Randy tries to justify to Stottlemeyer a reason why he should be allowed to take one of the dead bank robber's coupons]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What are you getting at?
- Lt. Randall Disher: Circle of life. [beat]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That's The Lion King.
- Lt. Randall Disher: Yes, I know, but instead of a lion, it's me, and instead of a baby cub, it's a diet coke.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy, I'm going to let you have the receipt. On one condition: you know what you just said about the lion and the baby cub and the diet coke? You don't ever repeat that again as long as I am alive. Understood?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: We hit a wall on that West Bay Trust robbery. I wanted to run a couple of things by you. We could have done this yesterday, but you were on your little road trip. What was that all about?
- Adrian Monk: Oh I was helping Dr. Kroger's kid with his homework.
- Lt. Randall Disher: Troy?
- Adrian Monk: Yeah, the kid needs a role model; somebody to look up to.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What, you're gonna help him find one?
- Natalie Teeger: Actually, Mr. Monk did a great job yesterday. He was like a big brother, you would've been proud of him. [Randy starts sipping from his 44 ounce soda cup. Stottlemeyer grabs a pen from his cupholder and pokes a hole in the side of the cup, which starts leaking]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Let's do this. We've got surveillance video from the bank. [takes a VHS tape out of its case and plugs it into the TV, while Randy uses his finger to plug his cup] Here we go.
- [The tape starts playing]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [narrating the events on the screen] Wednesday, 9:18 in the morning. Two Caucasian males enter the Vinton Street branch. They pistol-whip Steven Connolly, the assistant branch manager. [As he says that, said event is shown on the tape, though a railing partially obstructs the camera's view]
- Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, and guess who his brother is: "Happy" Jack Connolly. Remember him?
- Adrian Monk: Uh-huh. [A guard comes out and shoots one of the gunmen]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: 9:21, it all hits the fan: the security guard gets off one round. This guy - the guy in the green ski mask - gets hit, we think in the chest. [The guard is promptly killed by return fire] They kill the security guard, grab the cash. Two minutes later they're gone. Yesterday - Thursday - we find one of them in a parking lot, dead as dust. [hands them a file with a photo of the dead robber]
- Natalie Teeger: From the gunshot?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Nope. This is the other guy: Mr. Black Ski Mask. It was a heart attack; one cheeseburger too many. We found blood in the backseat, but no body, no footprints.
- Lt. Randall Disher: And no money.
- Adrian Monk: Double cross?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Maybe. Or somebody else found him. Could've been some kids, hanging out, skateboarding. [Randy starts slurping from his soda again] We traced the car. Mr. Black's name was Tony Gammelobo. Single, 47 years old, lives in Daly City. [Irritated by Randy's slurping, Stottlemeyer pokes another hole in his cup] Did four years in Arizona. Ring a bell? [Monk sits down, realizing something]
- Adrian Monk: He was 47? [He has a flashback to Pez trying to buy beer at the minimart, saying "I'm totally 47!"] You said there were kids?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It's possible, we're checking it out. [Randy starts sipping again]
- Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, whoever it was, they cleaned him out, wallet, cell phone, everything.
- Adrian Monk: What kind of cell phone?
- Lt. Randall Disher: It was, uh, we found the charger. [takes one hand off his leaking cup to pull the charger out of his pocket] Yeah it was a Motorola.
- Adrian Monk: Wha-what do they look like?
- Lt. Randall Disher: [plugging his cup again] I've got the same model. It's in my pocket. [Natalie pulls the phone out of Randy's jacket pocket. Monk becomes disturbed]
- Natalie Teeger: Are you okay? [Monk has a flashback to Troy's friends using an identical phone to take a picture of the "X" at the quarry]
- Adrian Monk: Uh, I-I-I-I just remembered something. I have to go.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You're leaving?
- Adrian Monk: Yes, I-I have to talk to Troy about something. [He heads for the door]
- Natalie Teeger: I'll go with you.
- Adrian Monk: No, no-no-no, this is between me and him. You stay here. I'll call you. [He rushes out of the office]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What was that all about?
- Natalie Teeger: I don't know. [Randy starts sipping loudly again. Having had enough, Stottlemeyer pokes a hole in the bottom of the cup, causing it to spill all over Randy's shoes]
- Lt. Randall Disher: I don't care. Free refills for life. [walks out of the office, the cup still leaking heavily]
Mr. Monk and the Daredevil [6.7]
- [Two kindergarten kids want to give Harold a poster of him as he is walking with Joey]
- Kindergarten Teacher: They wanted to give you this. [hands Harold and Joey a poster]
- Little Girl: It's a picture of you!
- Harold Krenshaw: That's me, huh? [Looks at the sketch of him] Well, I hope not! Look at the size of my head!
- Joey Krenshaw: I'm surprised you can stand up! [They laugh together. Harold notices a bridge]
- Harold Krenshaw: And what is that?
- Little Boy: The Golden Gate Bridge.
- Harold Krenshaw: Really? What's keeping it up? Magic? Because I don't see any suspension cables! Joey, you got a pen? [to the kids] What's the matter with you? [takes a Sharpie and draws a few suspension cables onto the kids' drawing of the Golden Gate Bridge] NOW it's a bridge.
- Joey Krenshaw: It's basic physics.
- Kindergarten Teacher: They're only six years old.
- Harold Krenshaw: They're not gonna learn any younger. That's what my Uncle Ronnie always says.
- Joey Krenshaw: [notices an unusual looking black object in the upper left corner] What's this? A bird? My God, it must be 20 feet long!
- Harold Krenshaw: Yeah! It looks like Mothra! Remember that old movie? [Harold and Joey scream and snarl like the birds in the movie in question. The kids recoil, terrified]
- Kindergarten Teacher: [nervously] You're on the school board?
- Harold Krenshaw: Yeah. [Joey's cell phone rings]
- Joey Krenshaw: Hello?
- Dr. Levine: Mr. Krenshaw?
- Joey Krenshaw: That's right.
- Dr. Levine: This is Dr. Levine calling from Reno. You wanted me to call if there was a change in your uncle's condition. I'm afraid it doesn't look good. You might want to think about coming home to say goodbye.
- Joey Krenshaw: How long does he have?
- Dr. Levine: Five days, maybe a week. I'm sorry, sir.
- Joey Krenshaw: Thank you, doctor. [He walks back over to Harold, who in this time has written all sorts of comments over the kids' poster] All right, kids, you've got your notes. Why don't you go back to school and try again? [Hands the poster over to them]
- Harold Krenshaw: That was nice. Who was that [on the phone]?
- Joey Krenshaw: Cousin, that was money calling, endorsement money. You ever heard of Neptune Energy Bars?
- Harold Krenshaw: No.
- Joey Krenshaw: Well, they've heard of you. They want to pay you $10,000 to be in their next commercial.
- Harold Krenshaw: Really?
- Joey Krenshaw: Yeah, they're on a tight schedule. They need to shoot tomorrow morning. You think you're up for it?
- [Randy is reciting the burned out car's VIN to the Captain so he can enter it into a database search.]
- Lt. Randall Disher: First letter, "T" as in "tsunami".
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: "Tsunami"?
- Lt. Randall Disher: Silent "T".
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What? No. "T" as in "Tom". Just say "Tom".
- Lt. Randall Disher: What's the difference?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It doesn't... The "T" is silent.
- Lt. Randall Disher: It's not completely silent. "T-sunami".
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: All right. All right. Let's go.
- Lt. Randall Disher: Second letter, "P" as in...
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: ..."P" as in "Paul".
- Lt. Randall Disher: No.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Too late. I typed it. "P".
- Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, but the person reading the letters gets to say the word. That's how we do it.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That's how who does it?
- Lt. Randall Disher: Society. We live in a society.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yes, we do, Randy! Meanwhile, the "P" has been sitting on my screen for ten minutes!
- Lt. Randall Disher: Fine. "P" for "Pam". No! "Panavision". "Tsunami", "Panavision", next letter, "L".
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: "L".
- Lt. Randall Disher: As in... No, we'll come back to that one.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, we can't come back to it, Randy! [the phone rings; Stottlemeyer answers.] Whoever this is, thank you very much for calling.
Mr. Monk and the Wrong Man [6.8]
- [Stottlemeyer is rehearsing for a press conference]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: So, I come out. "The department deeply regrets, blah-blah-blah-blah-blah. We are reviewing procedure to make sure mistakes-yak-yak-yak. Are there any questions?" [Randy pops a piece of gum into his mouth] Randy, the questions. [Randy picks up a set of notecards]
- Lt. Randall Disher: Sorry. "Captain Stottlemeyer, Max Barton plans to sue the state for wrongful conviction. Do you have any comment?"
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: "Max Barton can sue whoever he wants to. However, we are not at liberty to comment on any pending litigation." How 'bout that?
- Lt. Randall Disher: It's great. It's wonderful.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You okay?
- Lt. Randall Disher: [smiles] Yeah, I'm fine.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Good. Keep going. [Randy picks up the next card]
- Lt. Randall Disher: "Does the department plan to dispute the DNA evidence?"
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: "Nope. In fact, we have tested the evidence ourselves independently and we agree that the blood found at the crime scene does not belong to Mr. Barton." [Randy blows up a bubble and pops it] Hey!
- Lt. Randall Disher: Sorry. [flips to next card] Um, "Will you be reopening the case?"
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: "We already have reopened the case, and, uh, as you know, there is no statute of limitations on murder, however we-" What the hell is going on?
- Lt. Randall Disher: It wasn't me.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What wasn't you?
- Lt. Randall Disher: This screw-up! It wasn't me! It's always me. I can't believe it's not me. It's not me. This wasn't me! I wasn't even on the force back then!
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You understand that this wasn't a traffic violation? An innocent man spent fourteen years of his life in a state penitentiary and the son-of-a-bitch that murdered those poor people is still out there.
- Lt. Randall Disher: Yes, sir. I know. But it wasn't me.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You're right, Randy, it wasn't you. [Stottlemeyer sits down at his desk] It was Adrian Monk's case. I just talked to Natalie. Monk is devastated. [sighs] Can't blame him. Can you imagine? The guilt? The pain? I mean, Adrian Monk had this much confidence to begin with. This will probably kill him. What do you got to say to that?
- Lt. Randall Disher: It wasn't me?
Mr. Monk Is Up All Night [6.9]
[Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher are heading to a scene; Randy is wearing Captain America pajamas]
- Adrian Monk: Let's go.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Should we take my car or your invisible plane?
- Lt. Randall Disher: That's Wonder Woman.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, maybe we can borrow it. Why don't you give her a call?
Mr. Monk and the Man Who Shot Santa Claus [6.10]
- [Monk, Natalie and Julie are stuck in gridlock]
- Adrian Monk: Oh, I hate Christmas.
- Julie Teeger: How can you not like Christmas?
- Adrian Monk: Well, you wouldn't like it either, if you hated it as much as I did.
- Julie Teeger: But it's so joyful!
- Adrian Monk: Don't get me started on joy. When you're older you'll understand. Joy is a trick, a diversion. It doesn't last forever. It breaks your heart every time. [honks the horn and yells out the window] DAMN JOY!
- [Monk confronts Michael Kenworthy on the roof for disrupting traffic]
- Adrian Monk: Mr. Kringle, are you on drugs?!?
- Adrian Monk: [referring to why Santa Claus did not leave fingerprints] He was wearing gloves! Santa Claus gloves!
- Adrian Monk: [trying to tell his side of the story] I can be as offensive as your father.
- Natalie Teeger: I'm sure you can.
- Dr. Charles Kroger: So, before Trudy, what was Christmas like for you?
- Adrian Monk: Bleak... depressing... the pain was unrelenting, thank you for asking.
- Dr. Charles Kroger: Adrian, they can't all have been that bad.
- Adrian Monk: Pick a year.
- Dr. Charles Kroger: Uh... 1964.
- Adrian Monk: 1964, good choice. 1964... Mom was sick. Dad was... Dad was Dad. Ambrose locked himself in the basement, he's no fool. That Christmas I got one present - a walkie talkie.
- Dr. Charles Kroger: [being positive] Well, those can be fun. I had a pair of walkie talkies once...
- Adrian Monk: Not a pair. One walkie talkie. Dad said I only needed one because I had no friends.
- [Monk and Natalie notice Michael Kenworthy and Monk begins to give chase]
- Adrian Monk: Call the Captain! Tell him to stop the orange truck!
- Natalie Teeger: Where are you going?!
- Adrian Monk: I'm going after Santa Claus!
- Natalie Teeger: [after him] No! Mr. Monk, no! Mr. Monk, are you sure?! I mean, a hundred thousand percent sure?! It's hard on me, too!
- [Monk and Natalie are being interviewed by Brandy Barber after Monk takes down Michael Kenworthy]
- Brandy Barber: The Star Of Bethlehem, a symbol of hope and peace to millions of people around the world, would have been lost to the world forever, had it not been for the courage of one man, former police detective Adrian Monk. Adrian? Brandy Barber, Channel 6 News.
- Natalie Teeger: Yeah, we remember.
- Brandy Barber: How does it feel to be an American hero?
- Adrian Monk: He's a... bad Santa. Very bad, bad, Santa. Bad, bad, bad Santa.
Mr. Monk Joins a Cult [6.11]
- [About Amanda Clark]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: She became a member of the world's oldest profession.
- Adrian Monk: Stone mason, huh?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No. Prostitute.
- Randy: [holding the Siblings of the Sun book] Monk, have you even read this thing?
- Monk: Have you?
- [Dr Kroger enters to find Randy shirtless and singing the cult's song with Monk.]
- Dr. Kroger: Randy? Randy? [Randy looks up, then leaves] Somebody keep an eye on Randy?
- Monk: [about Father] I love him. He taught me what love really means.
- Dr. Kroger: You used to say that about Trudy, Adrian. What do you think she'd say if she were here?
- Monk: We sure showed him.
- Natalie: Yeah, we did. You did great, Boss.
- Monk: Oh, God! Did you stop that check?
- Natalie: Yeah, I already called the bank.
- Monk: We sure showed him.
- Natalie: Yeah, we did.
Mr. Monk Goes to the Bank [6.12]
- [At the West Bay Trust bank, the wounded teller, Jasmine, is being wheeled out by paramedics]
- Peter Crawley: Hang in there, okay? Don't worry about a thing. Take good care of that girl!
- [Stottlemeyer enters the front door, and notices an officer standing there, eating]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Whoa, I'm sorry, I thought this was a crime scene. Take it outside. [The officer exits and Stottlemeyer passes the paramedics wheeling Jasmine out] How's the teller doing?
- First Paramedic: Stabilized. Through and through. She's a lucky girl. [Stottlemeyer exhales a deep breath and walks over to the other employees, who are all standing together and shaken]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hello! I'm Captain Leland Stottlemeyer. How're you folks doing?
- Leon Harrison: I could use a drink.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I'm sure you could. We'll try not to keep you too long.
- Tiffany Preston: How's Jasmine?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Jasmine? Is that the teller? She's going to be fine. Whatever they're paying her, it ain't enough.
- Gloria Morales: That's for sure.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [sighs] So I'm going to have to get a statement from each of you individually.
- Madge: Now? Why aren't you out there trying to find that son-of-a-bitch?! [The other employees chime in]
- Gloria Morales: She's right!
- Peter Crawley: The bastard guy's crazy!
- Tiffany Preston: He just shot her! How could he shoot her? She was giving him all the money!
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Look, we're going to do the best we can, but it starts with you, OK? I'm going to need your help. [Stottlemeyer turns to Peter Crawley] You the manager?
- Peter Crawley: Yes.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: We'll start with you. Uh, can I use your office?
- [Stottlemeyer is sitting at Crawley's desk interviewing the employees]
- Peter Crawley: So, where do I start?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well the gunman came in at 9:05. Let's start at 9:04.
- Peter Crawley: I just unlocked the door. I was flipping the 'open' sign when this guy pushed right past me.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Can you describe him?
- Peter Crawley: A white guy, large, he must have been six foot. [In a black-and-white flashback, Crawley flips the sign to 'open']
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Mmm-hmmm. What was he wearing? [As Crawley walks away from the door, a figure suddenly grabs him from behind and puts a pistol to his head]
- Peter Crawley: A green hooded sweatshirt and a mask. He made me lock the door and pull the shades.
- Madge: He had his gun pointed at Mr. Crawley the whole time, and he made us empty all the drawers. [With the hooded figure holding him at gunpoint, Crawley holds out a canvas bag. All of the tellers empty the money in their drawers and put it into the bag] I'll never forget his voice. He had an accent.
- Leon Harrison: Definitely Russian. Very thick, just off the boat. He had a big bag, and we were filling it. I saw Jasmine reach for the silent alarm. He must have seen her. It all happened so fast. [All of the employees duck as the Russian suddenly spins and fires his pistol, the bullet hitting Jasmine in the arm]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Then what did you do?
- Tiffany Preston: He made us all lie down on the floor, even Jasmine. She was still bleeding and crying. He had a drill and he was breaking open the deposit boxes. [Using a drill, the Russian breaks through the locks of several of the deposit boxes]
- Gloria Morales: It seemed like forever, and I thought I was going to give birth right there. [The employees are sitting on the floor in the lobby as the Russian exits out the emergency exit] He told us not to move for five minutes, and then he left out the back. But we were too worried about Jasmine. As soon as he was gone, Mr. Crawley pulled the alarm.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: OK. Thank you very much.
- Gloria Morales: Is that it?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [shifts in his chair] Yep. Unless you can think of something else. If we think of anything, we'll call you. [beat] Do you know if it's a boy or a girl?
- Gloria Morales: It's a boy.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Good for you! You got names picked out?
- Gloria Morales: We haven't decided yet. What's your name?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [aware that the nametag in front of him reads "Peter Crawley"] Uh, 'Leland'.
- Gloria Morales: We haven't decided yet. [Gloria stands up]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh, uh, thank you very much. Thank you.
- [Disher tries to question a Living Statue performer with no success]
- Lt. Randall Disher: Excuse me. Lieutenant Disher, SFPD. You've got a pretty good view of the bank from here. We're investigating a robbery that took place earlier this morning. [the Living Statue doesn't hear him] Sir? [pause. Still no response] Sir, this is official police business. It will just take a minute. [takes out his badge and flashes it] If you're not too busy. [pause. Still no response] OK, I know you can hear me. Look, I just saw you blink. You blinked. [Randy tries to startle the performer in hope that he will react; the performer doesn't move a muscle] Oh I get it! [He waves a dollar bill in front of the performer, and then drops the bill into the performer's collection box] Normally, we don't pay for information! So, what time did you arrive at the park this morning, sir? [Still no response] OK, you know what, pal? I can get a crane here in 20 minutes, lift you up and drag you downtown.
- [A beeper goes off, indicating the performer's break time. He unfreezes and steps off the pedestal, grabbing a water bottle]
- Living Statue Performer: It's my break, man.
- Lt. Randall Disher: Well, thank you. That's more like it.
- Living Statue Performer: [groans, exasperated] This is my job! I mean, how would you like it if I came to your office and [screams and waves his hand in front of Randy's face] in your face, huh?! [He yells in anger again] Was I here? Yes, I was here. I've been here all day. I'm here every morning. Even Sundays.
- Lt. Randall Disher: Good. Did you see anything unusual at around 9:00?
- Living Statue: Yeah. I, I saw a guy. About 5' 10", green hoodie. He was hanging out, pacin' around. Looked kinda nervous, and then, he went inside.
- Lt. Randall Disher: Good. Did you see his face?
- Living Statue: He had his hood up. Sorry.
- Lt. Randall Disher: Okay. Hood up. And then what happened?
- Living Statue: Oh, about 10 minutes later, the alarm went off. And I saw...
- [his break alarm goes off, signalling the end of his break. He steps back up on his pedestal and freezes in place]
- Lt. Randall Disher: What? Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing? [No response. Disher laughs for a second] No, no, no, no! No, no, no. Don't. Don't do that. [pause] Hey, we're not done here! What did you see?!
- Lt. Randall Disher: ..I was just saying!
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy, give it a rest.
- Lt. Randall Disher: There must have been eighty bucks in that can! I mean, for three hours work, tax-free? The guy makes more money than I do, just doing nothing, standing there! I can do that.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yes you can.
- Lt. Randall Disher: Well, I'm going to do it. After work, I'll do it part time. Pick up a couple of bucks. [He stretches and tries to find a comfortable pose to freeze on]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You're going to be a living statue.
- Lt. Randall Disher: Yes I am.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Good for you. But how are we supposed to know what job you're doing?
- Lt. Randall Disher: I'm painted silver. [He settles on a position with his hands in front of his waist and freezes] How hard can this be? [Natalie comes over to Stottlemeyer]
- Natalie Teeger: Captain? Mr. Monk wants to show you something.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: And where is Mr. Monk?
- Natalie Teeger: In your office.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I hate it when he does that. I told him not to go in there without me! [Stottlemeyer walks away]
- Natalie Teeger: [clearly amused] I don't know why he gets so upset. It's not like he's going to mess up anything. [turns to Randy, and notices that Randy is frozen] Randy? What are you doing? [no response] Hello? Are you all right?
- [She walks in a circle around him, but he is still frozen]
- Natalie Teeger: Oh, my gosh... [tickles Randy] tickle, tickle, tickle! All right...
- [Natalie starts to walk away, then turns back and jumps off the floor and onto Randy as if to tackle him. He doesn't even budge a muscle!]
- Natalie Teeger: I'm gonna take these two pencils, and I'm gonna stick them up your nose. [inserts one in one nostril] Pencil number one. [inserts one in the other nostril] Pencil number two.
- [Still no response from Randy, who now looks like a frozen walrus with pencil tusks]
- Natalie Teeger: Our tax dollars at work. [walks away as another detective walks by]
- Passing Detective: Lieutenant.
- [Monk is sitting at Stottlemeyer's desk playing with a yoyo when Stottlemeyer comes in]
- Adrian Monk: Oh, come in.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Why don't you just make yourself at home?
- Adrian Monk: Natalie said you wouldn't mind.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Natalie said it? What the hell- [notices the yoyo in Monk's hand] "These things happen, Leland. Take a breath." [takes the yoyo from Monk]
- Adrian Monk: Yeah. [hands the remote to Stottlemeyer] You know how to work this? It's stuck.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yes, I do. [presses play, playing a surveillance tape from the bank]
- Adrian Monk: Yeah, good. Have you seen this?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Only about twenty times. It's useless. Can't see anything, that plant's in the way.
- Adrian Monk: Exactly! Leland, that's my bank! I know that lobby! That ficus tree has been sitting in the corner for ten years. It's never been moved, until today, this morning, before the gunman came in. Somebody moved it in front of the surveillance camera.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Before the robbery?
- Adrian Monk: Also, the Russian went out the back door and the alarm didn't sound. So somebody disconnected it!
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah, that one, we caught.
- Adrian Monk: And there is a gate out back at the end of the alley. It was unlocked. Somebody unlocked it.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: So the Russian's not alone. He's got an inside man.
- Adrian Monk: If I can find the inside man, he'll lead me to the Russian, and the Russian leads me to Trudy's bracelet. [Stottlemeyer raises his eyebrows]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Trudy's bracelet? [leans back in his chair] I should've known.
- Adrian Monk: So I've got to get into that bank. I've gotta-I've got to have a look around.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, Monk, you can't just go hang out at a bank. It's a place of business. People don't like it if you just go and 'hang out' in their office.
- Adrian Monk: Maybe they need a security guard. [Stottlemeyer gives him a knowing look]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You know? After today, I bet they do. Looks like you're going to get to wear a badge again.
- [Monk is sitting on the floor in a locked bank vault.]
- Adrian Monk: I'm gonna die, right here.
- Natalie Teeger: No, you are not!
- Adrian Monk: You're right. [stands up and points] I'm gonna die over here. I call this spot. The rest of you can die over there.
- Captain Stottlemeyer: That's it. Monk is no longer the morale officer.
Mr. Monk and the Three Julies [6.13]
- [Monk and Natalie are conversing while waiting for Stottlemeyer and Disher on the walkie-talkie. Monk locks the doors of Stottlemeyer's new Dodge Charger]
- Natalie Teeger: Speaking of cars, guess where Julie is today?
- Adrian Monk: Yeah?
- Natalie Teeger: Drivers' ed. She's taking her test tomorrow. Can you believe it? She wants me to get her a used car, but I don't know what to do.
- Adrian Monk: Just say no. You obviously can't afford it.
- Natalie Teeger: Have you ever tried saying "no" to a teenager?
- Adrian Monk: How hard can it be?
- Natalie Teeger: It's impossible! They're like a force of nature! It's like... walking into a hurricane! [These last few words are overlapped with a transmission over the walkie-talkie]
- Police Dispatcher: [over radio] ....female Caucasian, Julie Teeger. [Monk stops wiping Stottlemeyer's car] Repeat, all units, possible 187. [Natalie immediately grabs Stottlemeyer's car radio]
- Natalie Teeger: The victim's name! Repeat the victim's name!
- Police Dispatcher: Julie Teeger. [Natalie turns to Monk]
- Natalie Teeger: Oh my God! Oh my God! What's a 187? [Monk stares at her] Mr. Monk, what's a 187?!
- Adrian Monk: Homicide.
- Natalie Teeger: Oh my God! [she grabs Stottlemeyer's car keys]
- Adrian Monk: Wait a second! Natalie, wait! What are you doing?! Just call the Captain! Wait! Wait for the Captain! Just listen to me!
- [Natalie jumps into Stottlemeyer's car, makes a U-turn, and speeds away]
- [Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher arrive at the scene of the first Julie Teeger murder just after Natalie finds the body]
- Adrian Monk: Natalie!
- Natalie Teeger: No it's not her! It's not Julie!
- Adrian Monk: Thank god.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Another Julie Teeger? What are the odds of that? [He notices that his passenger mirror has broken off and is now attached to the car only by a few cables]
- Natalie Teeger: Oh, yeah. Sorry about that. [Stottlemeyer picks up the mirror to look at the cracked lens]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It's only a mirror. It's just a mirror.
- Natalie Teeger: Leland, I'm so sorry. I--I heard the name and I just thought that Julie could-[Stottlemeyer puts a hand on her shoulder]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Natalie. Any parent would've done the same thing. [Randy returns]
- Lt. Randall Disher: Captain? Lt. Frank's inside. He's the primary. Uh, he was wondering, as long as we're here....
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yep. As long as we're here.
- Natalie Teeger: I'm just going to meet you inside. I want to hear Julie's voice. [Stottlemeyer and Disher head towards the house]
- Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah I don't even use my side mirrors.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Shut up.
- [Natalie tries to use her cell phone to contact her Julie]
- Natalie Teeger: It's me again. Please, I need to hear your voice! Call me when you get this! [She hangs up and she starts walking away when...]
- Police Dispatcher: [on a uniformed cop's radio] ...tentative ID on the victim is Julie Teeger. [Natalie freezes up, and walks over to the officer]
- First Uniform Cop: Unit 9, could you repeat the name of the victim?
- Police Dispatcher: Julie Teeger. That's "T" for "Thomas." Teeger.
- First Uniform Cop: Unit 9, this has got to be a mix up. We're already at the Teeger scene, on Bow Street.
- Police Dispatcher: I don't know what to tell you, buddy. I'm looking at her ID right now. "Julie Teeger". The picture matches. It's definitely her.
- Natalie Teeger: Oh my god! Oh my god! [Natalie rushes to Stottlemeyer's car. She is backing up just as Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher are finishing up inside and are coming out of the house]
- Adrian Monk: Natalie? Natalie?! [She roars off]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What the hell is her problem?!
- [Monk, Stottlemeyer, and Disher arrive at the second Julie Teeger crime scene in a cruiser]
- Natalie Teeger: It's not her! It's not her!
- Adrian Monk: Another Julie Teeger?
- Natalie Teeger: That's impossible!
- Adrian Monk: Very nearly. [They start walking towards the body]
- Natalie Teeger: But this one is totally different; it was an accident. She was a graduate student, she was on her bike, probably riding home, and some guy hit her and just kept on going.
- Adrian Monk: But her name? Her name is definitely Julie Teeger, spelled the same?
- Lt. Randall Disher: You know, actually, these things happen all the time. I once took this course in statistics. There was this woman in Michigan. She won the lottery. The next day, she got bit by a shark.
- Adrian Monk: And what does that prove?
- Lt. Randall Disher: [shrugs] I don't know. I ended up dropping the class.
- [Stottlemeyer looks at the extensive body damage Natalie has inflicted to his new car - namely, a crumpled hood]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What the hell happened? It was only two miles!
- Natalie Teeger: I took a shortcut. I... cut across the creek. [beat]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: There's no bridge across the creek!
- Natalie Teeger: I know.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: There is no bridge across the creek.
- Natalie Teeger: Yes, I know.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: There's no bridge across the creek.
- Natalie Teeger: Captain, I am sorry. I will pay for everything.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It's okay. It's insured. [tries to wipe a permanent scratch off the battered hood]
- Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah remember, sir, that you did say any parent would have done the same thing.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [clearly sounding like he regrets ever telling this to Natalie] Uh-huh. I think I need to be alone.
- Natalie Teeger: Here. [She bangs the hood down, but it doesn't fit. Randy takes her by the arm and leads her over to the body]
- [Analyzing the second Julie Teeger's body, Monk notices something]
- Adrian Monk: Hmmm.
- Lt. Randall Disher: What is it?
- Adrian Monk: Her bike. She has the all the safety features - flashers, two mirrors. She was obviously very careful.
- Natalie Teeger: So?
- Adrian Monk: So what was she doing on the wrong side of the road? [Monk pulls a flower petal wedged into the bike frame, and realizes that it comes from a bush in the grass a few feet away. Walking over there, he finds a set of tire tracks. Meanwhile, Randy looks at the tear in the victim's sweater]
- Lt. Randall Disher: Monk? Check this out. [Monk comes back]
- Adrian Monk: What is it?
- Lt. Randall Disher: It's a bruise. It's square.
- Adrian Monk: It's from a trailer hitch. [to Natalie and Stottlemeyer] Captain, he chased her across the park. He hit her. And then he backed up to finish her off.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He backed up?
- Adrian Monk: He ran her over. This was no accident.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Wait, two homicides, same name, on the same day.
- Adrian Monk: Somebody is killing Julie Teegers?
- Natalie Teeger: [shocked] Oh my God!
- [Julie is with her driving instructor. She turns onto another street, blowing through a Stop sign]
- Mr. Carlson: Oh my god. Miss Teeger, what are you doing?
- Julie Teeger: Turning.
- Mr. Carlson: I could've sworn we just passed a Stop sign, but uh, I must have been imagining things. Just pull over. [Julie pulls over]
- Julie Teeger: Sorry. I didn't see it.
- Mr. Carlson: I can understand that. They hid it so cleverly...on top of that big post. [beat] All right, Miss Teeger, let's be adventurous. Let's try a three point turn. Now what's the first thing you do?
- Julie Teeger: Pray. [Carlson glares at her] I'm--I'm just kidding, that was a joke.
- Mr. Carlson: You might want to save all of your prayers for your driving test tomorrow. OK, the three point turn. [Julie starts to pull into the street to make a three point turn] Hold it! [Julie stops] What did you forget? [pause] Your blinker.
- Julie Teeger: Oh, it's not a big deal. There's nobody around.
- [Two police cars immediately come speeding around the corner, lights on and sirens wailing]
- Julie Teeger: OK, I'm using my blinker! My blinker's on! [One cruiser screeches to a stop in front of Julie's car. Natalie jumps out, rushes over to Julie's side and starts pounding on the window]
- Natalie Teeger: Thank god! Julie!
- Julie Teeger: [confused] Mom? [She rolls the window down partway. Natalie opens the door and leads Julie over to the cruiser, putting her in the backseat]
- Natalie Teeger: You have to come with us right now!
- Julie Teeger: What's going on?
- Natalie Teeger: Sorry, sorry!
- Julie Teeger: Oh my god! It was just a blinker!
- Adrian Monk: How many Julie Teegers do you think there could be?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I don't know. We're checking the phone directories.
- Adrian Monk: What about children? They wouldn't all be listed.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That's true. Check the schools - public and private - and birth records.
- Detective: The whole country?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Start in California. Work your way up the coast.
- Adrian Monk: What about women who are married, who change their names?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He's right. Call Social Security.
- Detective: OK. When do you want it?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: How 'bout now?
- Detective: How about tonight?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: How 'bout you get busy! [to Monk] Any ideas?
- Adrian Monk: I don't know. I don't know.... OK. Maybe a hit man was paid to kill Julie Teeger, but he doesn't know what she looks like.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: And he's killing all of them? Monk, that doesn't track! The M.O.s are so different: the housewife was stabbed and the graduate student was run down!
- Adrian Monk: Okay, okay, you're right, that doesn't make any sense... [Disher comes in]
- Lt. Randall Disher: Captain. Monk. I've got two ideas. Which do you want first?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: The one that will make me less pissed off. [Randy sets a file down on the desk]
- Lt. Randall Disher: Theory A. I remember this old case - Matthew Teeger, 35 years old. The guy's been committed twice for acute schizophrenia and delusions.
- Adrian Monk: Any arrests?
- Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, assault. Three years ago he attacked his stepfather. He said he was defending his mother. Apparently he's obsessed with her. Guess what her name is? [Stottlemeyer lifts up the page in question]
- Adrian Monk: Julia Teeger.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: A history of violence and a mother obsession.
- Adrian Monk: I like it.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I like it, too. Let's talk to this guy.
- [Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher leave the squad room]
- Adrian Monk: [to Randy] What about the other idea? You said you had two?
- Lt. Randall Disher: Oh, yeah. It's a just a longshot.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [looks at the DVD in Randy's hand] The Terminator?
- Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, just brainstorming, you know?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What, you think he might be a robot assassin sent from the future?
- Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah. Well, he was killing women with the same name. Forget it.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [with Schwarzenegger accent] "Sarah Connor, come with me if you want to live."
- Lt. Randall Disher: Uh, that was T-2.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, maybe we could lure him to a smelting plant on the outskirts of town. [They get on the elevator]
- Lt. Randall Disher: Can I have that back, please?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [still imitating] "And things of this nature..."
- [Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher arrive at Matthew's house in Stottlemeyer's banged-up car]
- Lt. Randall Disher: What a dump.
- Adrian Monk: But you can tell it used to be beautiful. How could something like this happen?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I don't know; maybe Natalie drove it someplace.
- [Monk walks upstairs to a bedroom in Matthew Teeger's house, and sees Julia sitting in a rocking chair with her back to him]
- Adrian Monk: Mrs. Teeger? Julia? Don't be afraid. I'm with the police, ma'am. We think young Matthew may be involved in some things. Do you know where he is, ma'am? We just want to talk to him. [No answer] I... excuse me? Are-are you okay?
- [He looks again, and sees the chair is rocking because of a breeze from the open window]
- Adrian Monk: Are... are you dead?
- [He picks up a hairbrush with a tissue and edges forward]
- Adrian Monk: Please be alive... please be alive... please be alive... please don't be one of those skeleton ladies! [The camera pans back to reveal that indeed, she is a skeleton. Monk nudges the chair with the hairbrush. The figure pitches forward, and a glass eyeball plops to the floor]
- Adrian Monk: Please be dead! Please be dead! [he drops the handkerchief, disgusted]
- [Cuts to Monk in Dr. Kroger's office]
- Adrian Monk: [grabbing a tissue] I just want to thank you again for seeing me on such short notice. Were you sleeping?
- Dr. Charles Kroger: No, no, no, happy to do it.
- Adrian Monk: Your wife wasn't too happy. I could hear her in the background.
- Dr. Charles Kroger: No, Madeleine is fine. It's part of the job and she knows that.
- Adrian Monk: Does she have tourette syndrome?
- Dr. Charles Kroger: [thinking for a while] Yes! Yes she does. So, uh, a glass eyeball?
- Adrian Monk: The mother died three months ago, the son never reported it.
- Dr. Charles Kroger: Now, hang on, did the son kill the mother?
- Adrian Monk: Well the doctors say no. It was a heart aneurysm. Her son, Matthew, is an amateur taxidermist. He stuffed her body, carried her from room to room, like nothing happened.
- Dr. Charles Kroger: Yeah, I've heard of cases like that. You see, he couldn't function without her. And they call it radical cognitive bonding.
- Adrian Monk: At least I never dug Trudy up and had her stuffed and mounted, right?
- Dr. Charles Kroger: Yes, and I've always been very proud of you for that.
- Natalie Teeger: Randy, I need to ask a favor...
- Lt. Randall Disher: The answer is yes.
- Natalie Teeger: I need a gun.
- Lt. Randall Disher: The answer is no.
- [Randy has been disguised as Matthew Teeger's mother as part of a sting operation, with Monk, Stottlemeyer and a technician handling the operation from the back of a van]
- Police Technician: Tape is rolling. [sneezes] Could you hand me a Kleenex? [Monk hands him one]
- Adrian Monk: Kills 99.9% of all cold and flu viruses. Only 99.9. [A scratching noise is emitted over the wire]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy, what are you doing?
- [Cuts to upstairs. Randy is dressed in drag and a gray wig and sitting in a rocking chair, and is currently adjusting his bra]
- Lt. Randall Disher: My bra's itching. How do they walk around in this stuff?
- Police Technician: This is a new low.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Actually, it's not a new low. That's the sad part.
- Lt. Randall Disher: [through his wire] He's never gonna buy this.
- Adrian Monk: Dr. Kroger thinks he will. Matthew Teeger has suffered a pure psychotic break, he's in complete denial. His mother never died, not to him.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: The important thing is that we keep him talking.
- Lt. Randall Disher: What if he has a knife?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He's right. We need a code, a phrase, in case he's in trouble.
- Lt. Randall Disher: Uh, how about, "Mother of God, he has a knife!"?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No it has to be covert. It has to sound conversational, sound natural.
- Adrian Monk: How about this: "I wish there were ten of them."
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Ten of what?
- Adrian Monk: Of anything.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, you see, Monk. I don't think anyone would say that.
- Lt. Randall Disher: I've heard people say that.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Look, here's the phrase: "Better late than never."
- [Julie is trying to get Monk to let her take her driving test]
- Julie Teeger: You were a child once, right?
- Adrian Monk: Very briefly.
Mr. Monk Paints His Masterpiece [6.14]
- [Monk is painting in Natalie's living room, with all her furniture and stuff gone.]
- Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, where is my stuff?
- Adrian Monk: Outside.
- Natalie Teeger: Well, what if it rains?
- Adrian Monk: Then your stuff will get wet. Art requires a little sacrifice.
- Natalie Teeger: [notices that her curtains are missing as well] What? And my curtains?!
- Adrian Monk: I need the light! Eastern light! C'est finis!
- [Natalie is suspicious about Petya Lovak]
- Natalie Teeger: Yeah, Mr. Monk, I've been doing a little research on your friend Petya. I Googled him. At least, I tried to, and there's no record of him anywhere.
- Adrian Monk: Natalie, people like Petya--important people, wealthy people--they are un-Googleable.
- Natalie Teeger: No, Mr. Monk, it doesn't work like that. It's not like an unlisted phone number.
- Adrian Monk: Un-Googleable! End of discussion.
- [At one point, Randy turns and collides with some equipment]
- Lt. Randall Disher: Whoa! BOOBY TRAP!
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy! RANDY! It's not a booby trap! It's a spider's web.
- Bennie Wentworth: What's going on? Did you break this [bike]?
- Lt. Randall Disher: Sorry.
- Bennie Wentworth: You break it, you bought it. That's the rule.
- Natalie Teeger: It's a junkyard! How do you know if something's broken?
- Bennie Wentworth: I know. I can tell. Look. [picks up bicycle with a twisted wheel] This wheel is all bent! $40 bucks!
- Lt. Randall Disher: $40 bucks. No way!
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [to Bennie] Mr. Wentworth, this is Adrian Monk and Natalie Teeger. They're helping us out. I was wondering, could you go over the whole thing again, please?
- Bennie Wentworth: Go over what? The guy was on my property, he tried to rip me off. He got what was coming to him, end of story! [back to Randy] I tell you what. Give me $20 bucks, we'll forget about the whole thing.
- Lt. Randall Disher: I'm not paying for it!
- Adrian Monk: What was he doing here? Mr. Wentworth, what do you think he was after?
- Bennie Wentworth: [shrugs] I don't know. Maybe he needed a carburetor! People need carburetors.
- Adrian Monk: He was wearing a $2,000 suit. And those are Italian shoes. I think he could afford a carburetor.
- Bennie Wentworth: Maybe he stole the suit. That's possible, isn't it? Maybe he stole the shoes! Maybe he's on a spree.
- Adrian Monk: The suit, the shoes, and a carburetor. What kind of spree is that?
- Bennie Wentworth: [shrugs] I don't know. An eclectic spree?
- Natalie Teeger: Do you have any enemies?
- Bennie Wentworth: None that I can think of, except for this guy the bicycle thief [points at Randy accusingly]! 10 bucks?
- Lt. Randall Disher: No!
- Bennie Wentworth: Okay, five bucks, final offer.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy, give him five bucks.
- Lt. Randall Disher: Fine.
- [Randy hands Bennie a $5 bill]
- Adrian Monk: I wonder what happened to his partner.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What partner?
- Adrian Monk: It's a dirt road out there. Very little dust on his shoes. Somebody must have dropped him off. Maybe they took off when they heard the gunshot.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [to Randy] Secure the road. Tell the crime scene techs to check for tire tracks.
- Lt. Randall Disher: Yes, sir. [Randy starts to walk away]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy! Your bike?
- [Randy reluctantly picks up the broken bike and carries it with him]
- [Natalie is carrying Monk's ugly portrait of her and about to throw it onto the burning pile of canvases]
- Lt. Randall Disher: Natalie, what are you doing? Hey, HEY! What are you doing? [He wrestles Monk's ugly portrait from Natalie]
- Natalie Teeger: Randy, let go! Come on, let me burn it!
- Lt. Randall Disher: [holds up his hand] It's evidence! Secret Service are on their way. It's the only painting we have left. It's going to be Exhibit A.
- Natalie Teeger: Exhibit A?!
- Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah! It's big news, Natalie! It's going to be one of the most famous paintings in the world!
- Natalie Teeger: You're right. You're right, I'm sorry.
- [Natalie puts her hands over her eyes to give herself "fresh eyes" to look at the painting. She turns away, and suddenly, she turns and runs back and tries to wrestle the painting from Randy's hand]
- Natalie Teeger: OW! BURN IT! BURN IT!
- Lt. Randall Disher: [grabs Natalie, and shouts to the other cops] Grab that painting!
- Natalie Teeger: [shrieking] OWWW! BURN IT!
- Monk's lawyer: Your Honor, my client is not a flight risk. For fourteen years he served the City of San Francisco honorably as a police officer. He still has friends in the department, some of whom are here today and prepared to testify on his behalf. I would also like to point out that, even if he wanted to flee, my client doesn't drive. He also has an obsessive fear of airplanes... and boats... and trucks... and trains.
- Adrian Monk: I didn't shoot him. He was my only lead. I'd have to be crazy!
- Sheriff John Rollins: Yeah, well, if "I'd have to be crazy" was a valid defense, we could rent our jails out for birthday parties.
- Judge: Bail is set at $900,000.
- [Monk whispers to his lawyer]
- Monk's lawyer: Uh... with the Court's permission, could you make it an even million?
- Stottlemeyer: Oh, my God!
- [From a payphone, Monk tells Stottlemeyer about how Rollins set him up]
- Adrian Monk: He broke into my house before the shooting...
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: And raided your refrigerator?
- Natalie Teeger: [makes a smoothie with a power drill. She puts lots of random items that one would not normally put into a smoothie into the blender. Then, under the excuse that her blender broke, she uses the power drill to blend together the ingredients. When completed, the result is a very repulsive looking liquid. She takes a sip] Just what I needed.
- Lt. Randall Disher: [notices oil in the liquid] Is that oil?
- Natalie Teeger: That is oil. It's uh, it's from the ground so it's organic, and it just... lubricates your organs. [puts down the glass and picks up the drill] Um, I'll just be washing up. I'll be right back. You can have it.
- [She walks into the living room, and picks up Mitch's old uniform before going to the bathroom. Randy looks at the revolting smoothie for a few moments before taking a sip from it. The sound of the shower comes from the bathroom. It is revealed that Natalie is running the shower so as to cover up the sound of her drilling Monk's handcuffs off]
- Natalie Teeger: Quiet! He's still in the kitchen. [takes the uniform out of the bag] It's Mitch's uniform. It's all that I had.
- Adrian Monk: Oh no. I can't wear that.
- Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, he'd want you to.
- Adrian Monk: No, it's all dusty.
- Natalie Teeger: You were wearing a hobo's trench coat!
- Adrian Monk: OK. [He prepares to put on the uniform]
- Natalie Teeger: [gives Monk a wad of money] Here. Money.
- Adrian Monk: Is this all you had?
- Natalie Teeger: It's a week's paycheck! I was supposed to get a 5% increase in January...
- Adrian Monk: Okay, okay, okay. We'll talk about that later. [Natalie hands Monk several wads of Kleenex]
- Natalie Teeger: Here's some Kleenex. They're anti-viral. It's a sick world out there.
- Adrian Monk: Natalie, thank you.
- Adrian Monk: Hey, thanks. Thanks for killing me.
- Captain Stottlemeyer: Hey, that's what friends are for.
- [A mover is packing Monk's belongings up]
- Mover: Was he a professor?
- Natalie Teeger: No, a detective. An amazing detective. He could look at a room or a person and see things that nobody else could see.
- Mover: Like the Car Wash guy.
- Natalie Teeger: What "Car Wash guy"?
- Mover: That guy in Nevada. I was just reading about him. [stops packing up belongings and picks up a newspaper] Here, in today's paper. They call him the Car Wash Columbo. Solved a big hit-and-run case single-handedly. [pauses] Boy, he sounds like a real character. Boss says that it takes him a whole hour to wipe down every car. He won't even use the same rag twice. [Natalie stops, realizing something]
- Natalie Teeger: Can I see that? [she looks at the article] There's no picture.
- Mover: I guess he's modest, too.
- Natalie Teeger: [reading the article] "Leland Rodriguez". [puts down the paper, angered] His name is Leland?!
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [walks into his office with Disher and notices Rollins reclining in his chair] Sheriff Rollins, make yourself at home.
- Sheriff John Rollins: You read the paper today?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I did. I read the sports page, and did the jumble.
- Sheriff John Rollins: Nah, not the jumble. This. Page 5. [points to an article with the headline "Unidentified Body Found in Avalon Bay."] Male Caucasian. 5'11".
- Lt. Randall Disher: Is it Monk?
- Sheriff John Rollins: No. It's not Monk. I was at the morgue last night. Guy had a tattoo. I thought it was strange.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What was strange?
- Sheriff John Rollins: Well. I'll tell you what was strange: [stands up and walks around the desk to Stottlemeyer] You weren't there. Bulletin was sent in. It was in the daily log. You must have read it. Well, I'll be sticking around the campus for a few more days, in case anything else washes up.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: We can use all the help we can get.
- Sheriff John Rollins: We've all got to suffer. [Rollins leaves and Randy casts a suspicious glance at his Captain]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What?
- Lt. Randall Disher: That's a good question. Why didn't you check it out?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Because I was busy! I was turning over rocks. [takes out a file] Trying to get a bead on that son-of-a-bitch. [Randy looks at the file; it is obviously a background check that Stottlemeyer has done on Rollins]
- Lt. Randall Disher: He just bought a second house near Catalina-
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: And a new BMW and look at this. [turns a few more pages and points to what seems to be a financial statement] He's got two offshore bank accounts. On a sheriff's salary. Randy, that guy is dirty. I can smell it!
- [Natalie confronts Stottlemeyer in private]
- Natalie Teeger: It's him, isn't it? [Stottlemeyer drops his hand in defeat, no longer able to cover the story up. Natalie breaks down, sobbing] Oh, my god. Oh my god! [Natalie's sorrow quickly turns to anger and she punches Stottlemeyer in the chest]
- Natalie Teeger: Why didn't you tell me?!?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Natalie! Natalie! Natalie! Natalie! [She calms down, but still glares hatefully at him] I am so sorry.
- Natalie Teeger: You're sorry?!?! But how?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Bulletproof vest. We couldn't tell anybody. [looks at the newspaper] Leland Rodriguez, huh?
- Natalie Teeger: That's his name!
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well that's just stupid!
- Natalie Teeger: What's he doing in Nevada?!
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He's supposed to be avoiding attention; staying off the radar!
- Natalie Teeger: He's all alone?!
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Natalie, you can't tell anybody. You can't tell Randy; you can't even tell Julie!
- Natalie Teeger: Randy doesn't know?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No. I'm trying to protect him.
- Natalie Teeger: From what?!
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I'm not sure. There's something going on here. That Sheriff Rollins, he framed Monk for shooting the six fingered man. You were there! They were gonna send Monk away forever! And it's not just Rollins: Rollins is working for somebody, may-maybe somebody in the Governor's office!
- Natalie Teeger: Oh my God!
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It may go higher than that. I'm not sure. I'm still working on it! I just need a little more time!
- Natalie Teeger: I have to see him. [She starts to walk out, but Stottlemeyer grabs her arm]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Natalie, leave him alone. He's safe where he is. You have to promise me you're not going to do it. Promise me.
- Natalie Teeger: I promise. [Cuts to Natalie hurriedly packing a suitcase]
- [Rollins calls Biederbeck as he prepares to follow Natalie]
- Dale 'The Whale' Biederbeck: Make me happy.
- Sheriff John Rollins: She's on the move. Looks like a real road trip. She took her daughter to a neighbor's and packed a suitcase.
- Dale 'The Whale' Biederbeck: Stay-with-her. She'll lead you right to him.
- Sheriff John Rollins: What do I do when I find him?
- Dale 'The Whale' Biederbeck: Do you really have to ask?
- Sheriff John Rollins: No, sir. I do not.
- Lt. Randall Disher: [practicing his funeral song for Stottlemeyer] "Why? [strings a few chords] Tell me why... did a good man have to die? / Shot down.... in his prime... 48...49..." [Stottlemeyer, by this point annoyed at the fact that the song has 15 verses and does not appear to be ending anytime soon, cuts him off]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy, he's not dead! [Randy stops] We faked it. Monk jumped off the pier. [mimics splashing] He was wearing a bulletproof vest.
- Lt. Randall Disher: He's alive? He's alive.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yep, he's in hiding, until we figure out what the hell's going on.
- Lt. Randall Disher: I can't believe it!
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You okay? [Randy looks crestfallen]
- Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, I'm thrilled. Yeah, yeah, I just...
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You look disappointed.
- Lt. Randall Disher: Th-this is the best song I ever wrote.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, save it. It's a great song! He's gonna die one day.
- Lt. Randall Disher: Oh, yeah. You're not gonna shoot him?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You never know.
- [Monk is cleaning up the car wash for the night after the other workers leave him; Natalie arrives]
- Adrian Monk: [trying to hide his face] Hola, senorita.
- Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, I know it's you. [she takes out a wipe and runs toward him]
- Adrian Monk: What's with the wipe? Why do I need a wipe...?
- [she hugs him and smothers his cheeks with kisses, then wipes them down]
- Natalie Teeger: Oh, God! Why didn't you tell me?
- Adrian Monk: To protect you. We thought Rollins might be watching you.
- Natalie Teeger: Oh, that's ridiculous! Why would Rollins-
- Sheriff John Rollins: [appears from behind them, pistol drawn] Adrian, don't move a muscle! Show me your hands! You too, Miss Teeger! Oh, you are knee-deep in it now, buddy!
- Natalie Teeger: You're the one who's in trouble! We know all about how you framed Mr. Monk and switched the gun barrels! [Monk tries to shush her] If anybody is going to prison, it is you!
- Adrian Monk: [dryly] Thanks for stopping by, Natalie.
- Sheriff John Rollins: Let me tell you about the real world, Natalie: it's never about what happened. It's always, "can you prove what happened?" [to Monk] All right, Adrian, we've done this before. On the ground, face down.
- [Monk starts to lie down, then yells and kicks an oil drum at Rollins. It rolls very *very* slowly, before coming to a stop a few inches short of Rollins's feet]
- Sheriff John Rollins: What was that?
- Adrian Monk: It was, uh... supposed to... supposed to go faster.
- [He shuts off the power and then he and Natalie run]
- Natalie Teeger: [looking through Rollins's papers] No, wait. Okay, there's a check for $10,000 made out to Angel County Children's Center.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [to Randy] Angel County Children's Center.
- [Randy types this into the field of a business idenfication program on Stottlemeyer's computer. It doesn't find any matches.]
- Lt. Randall Disher: No such animal.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Okay, that check is dirty. Who wrote it?
- Natalie Teeger: The Xanadu Corporation.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [to Disher] Xanadu Corporation. [Randy begins to type] No, "X".
- [Randy presses enter. One match comes up in his results.]
- Lt. Randall Disher: [reading] "Xanadu, a division of the Orpheum Investment Group..." [more typing] which is owned by the Blue Danube Foundation...
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Blue Danube Foundation?
- Lt. Randall Disher: Which is owned by... [more typing] Oh my God!
- [Grimacing, Stottlemeyer lifts the phone to his ear... ]
- Natalie Teeger: [to Monk] Who's Dale Biederbeck?
- Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: [to his manicurist] I've been dreaming about you. Have you ever dreamed about me?
- Manicurist: Sometimes.
- Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: I wonder if we've been having the same dream?
- Manicurist: I doubt it.
- [Natalie breaks out of hiding, runs through the crowd, and attempts to climb up to reach the trigger on the detonator. Sheriff Rollins's deputies seize her and drag her down]
- Sheriff John Rollins: [to his deputies] Drag her down.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [walks up with Randy] John Rollins! You're under arrest for murder, and conspiracy to commit!
- Lt. Randall Disher: We know that you're working for Biederbeck, and that you framed Monk!
- Sheriff John Rollins: Hey! You're under arrest! Obstruction of justice, aiding and abetting! [to his deputies] Arrest him! [The deputies grab Stottlemeyer and Disher]
- Lt. Randall Disher: Get your hands off me!
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I'M A CAPTAIN WITH THE SAN FRANCISCO POLICE DEPARTMENT! Arrest him!
- Sheriff John Rollins: He's out of his jurisdiction! Arrest him! [No one has paid attention to Natalie]
- Natalie Teeger: Captain! The trigger is in the banner!
- [Stottlemeyer pulls the bomb out from under the Governor's car]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Clear these people out of here! Call the Bomb Squad!
- Riverton Cop: Uh, we don't have one. But it's in the budget for next year.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I don't think we can wait that long.
- [After a few suspenseful moments, Stottlemeyer unscrews the detonator, then addresses the Governor's bodyguards holding Monk]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Could you take your hands off my friend, please? He's had a rough day. [They release him, while Disher handcuffs Rollins]
- Lt. Randall Disher: You have the right to remain silent...
- Sheriff John Rollins: Yeah, I know all that stuff. Let's just get the hell out of here. [Monk looks at the Governor and his wife, who nod at him, gratefully. Monk nods back, then collapses into Stottlemeyer's arms]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [patting him on the back] Good job. Good job.
- [An exonerated Monk visits Dale]
- Adrian Monk: Hello, Dale.
- Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: Adrian Monk. Why am I not surprised?
- Adrian Monk: I tried to call, but apparently your phone's been disconnected.
- Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: Yes, I should have done it years ago! Fewer distractions.
- Adrian Monk: I see they took your bed, and your computer.
- Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: They were cluttering up the room. You know me, Monk: I've always been a simple man of philosophic joys.
- Adrian Monk: And they're making you eat in the cafeteria. That can't be good. At least you won't be alone. Your old pal Sheriff Rollins will be joining you. He's talking to the D.A right now, telling him everything - about how he hired Frank Nunn to plant that bomb and then killed Nunn and tried to frame me for it. You might want to save a seat for the Lieutenant Governor as well...
- Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: Are you having fun?!
- Adrian Monk: No... but it's as close as I'm ever gonna get.
- Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: What did you win, Monk? Nothing! We're both back where we started.
- Adrian Monk: Not exactly. The police in Dourado found something in Frank Nunn's apartment. Some old letters. He talked about killing Trudy. He mentioned the man who hired him.
- Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: You have a name!
- Adrian Monk: Not quite. Nunn called him "The Judge."
- Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: The Judge... I can't help you, Adrian.
- Adrian Monk: Can't? Or won't?
- Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: A little lead... how exciting! That should keep you off the street for a while.
- Adrian Monk: The important thing is, that you're off the street.
- Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: [laughs] Do you really think these bars can hold me?
- Adrian Monk: [taps one with his shoe. It doesn't budge] Yeah. They seem pretty strong.
- [last lines]
- Adrian Monk: Have a good life, Dale. [turns and walks away]
- Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: It's true, Adrian Monk! I'm in prison! But you're in a worse prison! You're trapped! Trapped by your own demons! You're in your own private hell! I wouldn't trade places with you for a billion dollars! I mean, another billion dollars!
- [Monk turns the corner, meets Natalie, and they walk away]
- Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: You hear me?! Come back here! I'm-not-done!
- Adrian Monk: Oh, yes you are.