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Reviewer: Eddie891 (talk · contribs) 23:00, 3 January 2022 (UTC)[reply]

can review

Prose and other miscellany

(Apologies, got swamped with work this week)

• A four paragraph lede feels like a lot for an article of this size (MOS:LEADLENGTH), could it be condensed at all?
  • I gave it a try. See what you think?
• The sentence beginning "In 1948, she was" feels rather run-on-y to me. Could it be, perhaps, split up or rephrased? For instance, is "during an election campaign season" even needed, as it could well be garnered from context?
  • Rephrased to "In 1948, she was fired; she claimed that the firing was motivated by her support for her husband Harold Duponte's campaign to be County Attorney as a Democrat." Better, I think?
• suggest reviewing for overlinks, I remoed links to education and secretary. Similar broad concept links are probably not needed
  • Overlinks are an Achilles' heel of mine. I appreciate the removals you made. I made a few others.
• "Duponte went on to run" could this be quantified? Even if just "After being fired,"
  • Added!
• What does "last-minute campaign" in this context mean? surely not literally last minute
  • Surely not, but the source isn't any more specific. Changed to "after beginning her campaign late in the election season" which I feel is less idiomatic while still being supported by the source. Made a similar change for both occurrences of "last-minute".
• " Duponte served two terms in the Territorial House" suggest adding the term length
  • The source doesn't say, and I don't want to add original research
• " a controversial figure" is there anything to add about the controvery? controversial to whom? for the actions the next sentence describes?
  • Clarified – what I have there now is all the source says on the subject
• "difficulties caused by her" could this be elaborated upon at all?
  • I wish it could - but not with the source currently used, and I haven't been able to find a more detailed one on the subject, though that doesn't mean it isn't out there.
• If we know how long the couple were married, suggest adding the approximate year of their marrieage earlier in the text.
  • Great suggestion! Done.

Just some thoughts, prose is generally fine. Nothing super major. Suggestions, all. Will be back with source check. Eddie891 ^Talk _Work 02:55, 7 January 2022 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks so much for reviewing, Eddie891, and please don't feel any rush – real life takes priority. I've made changes based on your suggestions and will look forward to the source check! ezlev (user/tlk/ctrbs) 04:23, 7 January 2022 (UTC)[reply]

Happy with your changes to date. Eddie891 ^Talk _Work 19:41, 9 January 2022 (UTC)[reply]

Image seems licensed appropriately Eddie891 ^Talk _Work 19:41, 9 January 2022 (UTC)[reply]

I haven't found much that would substantially add Eddie891 ^Talk _Work 19:45, 9 January 2022 (UTC)[reply]

sources seem reliable Eddie891 ^Talk _Work 19:45, 9 January 2022 (UTC)[reply]

• one thing about the sources I checked doesn't line up: this cites a Louisville birthplace. suggest mentioning both. Happy to pass after that point is resolved. Eddie891 ^Talk _Work 19:53, 9 January 2022 (UTC)[reply]

  That article also says she came to Hawaii in 1958, which is off by more than two decades according to the other sources – that's why I chose not to cite that source except for details about her death and funeral. Happy to add it if you still think it should be added, Eddie891, but I want to double-check with you first since details suggest that source may be inaccurate. Let me know! ezlev (user/tlk/ctrbs) 00:59, 10 January 2022 (UTC)[reply]

  No, that is fair. I've done similar things at May Childs Nerney and Fabian Ware-- Obituaries can be iffy particularly when they just contain funeral information. Happy to pass Eddie891 ^Talk _Work 01:17, 10 January 2022 (UTC)[reply]